Ok, so at first, I wasn’t going to watch the Real Housewives of Melbourne because I was like, Melbourne? Rando! But then I made my way through the other two franchises I watch, currently on the air — New York and Orange County. I can’t wait New Jersey because they’re not rich enough — I’m not even lying — although I might start at some point in the near future now that Bravo has put everything on Channel 1000, my portal to happiness.
So I turned on the Real Housewives of Melbourne, and it was literally like watching aliens living in a parallel universe just walking around, doing things like shopping and having meals. I don’t know where these accents come from, but every single one of these bitches speak like Vulcan the Drag Queen choking on cum. Their voices are so DEEP. Everything they say is so ROUNDED. I love it. The first few episodes I just laughed non-stop.
The best way I can think of describing it is: Imagine if you at mushrooms, and then you watched “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” and you’re like, “What the fuck is going on? Why are these women speaking in slow motion???” And then you’re like, “Oh, I’m on mushrooms.” ONLY YOU ARE COMPLETELY SOBER.
I did some research this morning, and apparently there are four international housewife franchises: Athens, Vancouver, France and Melbourne. There has to be a reason that the only one to make it to the United States was Melbourne, and I assume it’s because these bitches get CRAZY at some point in the next few episodes.
I’m going to pin the blame on this on Jackie, who is married to Ben, the drummer in Silverchair. I guess they were big in the ’90s? “I’m married to a rock star,” Jackie says basically every time she talks.