February 2012
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Ash Wednesday: A Revisionist History
Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Jesus Christ’s 40-day sojourn with the devil in the wilderness. The encounter is known—in case you’re not familiar with Martin Scorsese films—as the “Last Temptation of Christ.”
Basically what happened was that Jesus Christ, that crazy mofo, was like, “I’m burning with lust for that hot piece Mary...
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The Sex Lives Of Presidents: William Howard Taft
President William Howard Taft probably did not have an exciting sex life because he was very, very fat.
I don’t mean that he was un-sexy (because, damn! He was fine…um). Rather, because he was obese, he had very high blood pressure.
He also had obstructed sleep apnea, roast beef, and a wife, Helen Herron, who was actually kind of a hot little piece.
It’s possible...
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Days of Heaven (Alternate Title: Not Participating...
One of the benefits of the Internet age is that you no longer need to actually be present at events to write about them. Hence, I have yet to attend a single fashion week show, but yet am doing a piece about hair trends on the runway.
I spent the majority of yesterday afternoon stuffing tortilla chips in my mouth, pinching my stomach to see if I was getting fat, and browsing through...
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Paradise Lost 3: Purgatory / A Review
I don’t have much time to write this, but I just finished Pararadise Lost 3: Purgatory, the third installment in a series of documentaries by HBO about the 18-year imprisonment of the West Memphis Three—Damien Echols, Jessie Misskelley, and Jason Baldwin—who were falsely accused of killing three 8-year-old boys in 1993.
I didn’t see the first two documentaries in the series,...
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Icon Of The Week: Vivian Maier
In 2007, a caché of 30,000 negatives was found in an abandoned storage unit. A young man, John Maloof, bought them for $400 at an auction, and started developing them. He was 26 years old, and he was a real estate developer in Chicago.
Not knowing if the photographs were anything special, he began posting them on Flickr, where they received an enormously popular response. Whoever had taken...
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From The Journal Of A Dying Lady
By Bianca Ozeri
We met as children. With our backs to one another. And we spoke generically, like adults, of the heat, and the drunken homeless men, and how sweet the candy would taste if only we had a nickel. It would be weeks till he found the change to buy me a piece, and years that we perched ourselves on that corner, like rare birds, waiting for age to catch up to consciousness.
We...
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Advice For Taken Men On Valentine's Day
Everyone says that they don’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day. But if you grew up in the United States—I can’t speak to anywhere else—the holiday was ingrained in your psyche as a special occasion from the moment you were enrolled in school.
Here’s how it happened. You were 5. You woke up one morning in February, and your mom put a red shirt on you, and sent you to...
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Grammys Fashion 2012: A Thoughtless Analysis
So, I was going to live blog the Grammy’s last night, but Caleb forbade me from doing so, because for him, sitting next to me while I’m snickering and ignoring him is boring. Weird, right?
Soon after he laid down the law, he went out to go get us some ravioli for dinner, and I was left to my own devices. I obeyed his wishes for ten minutes, but then found myself with so many...
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Introducing Bianca
To further add to the ridiculousness of my persona, I recently enlisted the help of an aspiring young writer, Bianca, who will intern at the non-place that is “A Brie Grows In Brooklyn.”
I’ve known Bianca for many years, because she is the sister of Superbad, Blara’s best friend and future husband, and also my buddy. We grew up in the same town, with similarly...
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The White Meadows
On my flight back from San Francisco, having watched the abysmal “Crazy Stupid Love” on the way there, I decided I couldn’t bear another hour of crap on the tiny screen in front of me. I was flying on Virgin, and if the night club ambience and other passengers hadn’t been enough to kill me, then a movie starring Justin Timberlake surely would have.
So I flipped through...
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The Ruins Of The Sutro Baths
I know that people from San Francisco must be habituated to it, but I was shocked by how beautiful the coastline is in the Bay Area. The last (and only other) time I visited the city, I was with Blara, and we spent the entire time smoking jazz cigarettes, feeling paranoid, and eating Nerd ropes. One night, we went to a birthday party, and each consumed 15 cupcakes. That is my most vivid memory...
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An Unhelpful Food Guide to San Francisco
Caleb has been waxing poetic for months about how fantastic the food in San Francisco is, which is more than half of the reason why he wanted to take me there for the weekend. He lived there for four years, and during his sojourn, really drank the San Francisco foodie Kool Aid.
I’m always suspicious of people who fetishize food. First of all, it’s a bizarre, expensive, and wasteful...
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