Poet of the Week: Ethan Coen
I want to try to class this blog up, in anticipation of a piece I have coming out this weekend (which will drive traffic that will spike my analytics, and them promptly disappear, leaving me writhing on the floor, broken and alone). So I decided to do one of my abysmally unpopular “Poet of the Week” posts, which generally are pretty dull and cultured and won’t get me into any kind of trouble.
To begin, I did a little browsing on my favorite poetry sites—Paper Cuts and Harriet the Blog. On the former, I found a piece about apocalypse poetry published in honor of 9/11, and on the latter, when I typed in “apocalypse,” I came upon a news item about a new book of poems by Ethan Coen, the infamous director of films like “Pride & Prejudice” and “The Notebook.” Just kidding, fuckers, he directed (with his brother Joel) bloodbaths like “No Country For Old Men.” But could you imagine if he re-did “The Notebook” outlaw style, starring Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin? I can’t either, so I guess the idea is not that funny.
Anyway, Ethan Coen has apparently published two books of poetry—the first being I’m too lazy to look up the name, and the second being “The Day The World Ends.” The latter was released on the day after the apocalypse was supposed to happen in May, which is a witty “fuck you” to those of you who thought you were going to win the God lottery on judgement day!
For the life of me, I cannot find a poem from it, even though I looked through through 11 Google search pages. Given that I have a chocolate croissant with my name on it sitting right in front of my face, waiting to grease up my fingers so that I can no longer type, I’m going to just post the only poem that I could find, “The Drunken Driver Has the Right of Way,” which is from his first collection published in 2009.
Before I do so, however, I’m going to warn you that it’s very bad.
The nice thing about being famous is that you can kind of do whatever the fuck you want, like Justin Bieber becoming a lesbian, and Kim Kardashian releasing a music video. So it makes sense that after all of his successes filmmaking, Ethan Coen wanted to try his hand at something a little different.
Here’s how I imagine the conversation with his editor went.
Spencer The Editor: Ethan, I really must say your screenplay for “True Grit” had quite a few poetic lines.
Ethan: You think?
Spencer: No, really. I was sitting with my friend, and afterwards, we went to Elsa for a martini, and we agreed, “how very T.S. Elliot!”
Ethan: The drink or the screenplay?
Spencer: [chortles] Have you ever tried your hand at a poem, old boy?
Ethan: No, but I…
Spencer: I’d love to do a collection of them anyway!
(Ethan considers it for a minute. He reaches into the waist of his jeans, pulls out a Colt 45, which he uses it to blow off Spencer’s head. Then he goes outside to smoke a cigarette.)
Without further ado, here all the way from Hollywood for “Amateur Hour”, is a poem by Ethan Coen. Hit it, Ethan:
‘The Drunken Driver Has the Right Of Way’
The loudest have the final say,
The wanton win, the rash hold sway,
The realist’s rules of order say
The drunken driver has the right of way.
The Kubla Khan can butt in line;
The biggest brute can take what’s mine;
When heavyweights break wind, that’s fine;
No matter what a judge might say,
The drunken driver has the right of way.
The guiltiest feel free of guilt;
Who care not, bloom; who worry, wilt;
Plans better laid are rarely built
For forethought seldom wins the day;
The drunken driver has the right of way.
The most attentive and unfailing
Carefulness is unavailing
Wheresoever fools are flailing;
Wisdom there is held at bay;,
The drunken driver has the right of way.
De jure is de facto’s slave;
The most foolhardy beat the brave;
Brass routs restraint; low lies high’s grave;
When conscience leads you, it’s astray;
The drunken driver has the right of way.
It’s only the naivest who’ll
Deny this, that the reckless rule;
When facing an oncoming fool
The practiced and sagacious say
Watch out — one side — look sharp — gang way.
However much you plan and pray,
Alas, alack, tant pis, oy vey,
Now — heretofore — til Judgment Day,
The drunken driver has the right of way.
