Emmy’s Fashion Analysis: Why Not?
(The opinions expressed below are not mine, but rather those of my alter-ego Wendy.)
Either I have the stomach flu or I’m pregnant, because I’m basically horizontal with nausea today. Mr. R is keeping his finger’s crossed for the latter, and I’m doing research about whether or not babies can get fetal alcohol syndrome in the first month after conception.
We’re sitting on the couch at Caleb’s, watching NY1. I just asked him if he’d like to kill some time doing Emmy’s fashion analysis with me, and he said, “Good Lord, no.” So while he watches Neil Rosen lisp his way through a review of the movie Limelight, I’m gonna do it by myself.
Here it goes.
You really have to admire what a completely crazy bitch Paz de la Huerta is. Like, she definitely looks like she just crawled out of a bathroom in some dive bar in Bushwick after doing a line of coke off the bartender’s penis PLUS a fairy tale princess.
I’m noticing that a lot of stars are doing the 1950s tulle, long sleeve, lacy details thing, and I like it a lot. This bitch from Glee is doing it too “little girl style” though, which when combined with her “ballerina” whispery voice and tiny frame, makes her look like I did playing dress up in third grade. Only I was definitely fatter.
Elisabeth Moss always tries so hard, and never quite pulls it off. Is it mean to say that her hairstyle looks kind of like this?
She’s SOOOOO nice though.
Minka Kelly is definitely one of those woman who looks stunningly beautiful no matter what she’s wearing, and she knows it. She’s like, whatever motherfucker, I’m wearing a long-sleeved dress because I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m hot, especially not after I broke up with Derek Jeter. He was over the hill like four years ago.
Despite her beauty, I’ll never forgive her for stealing Tim Riggins from me.
Bitch.
Minka apparently broke up with Derek Jeter because she wanted to focus on her “career,” which right now is hinging on the success of a remake of Charlie’s Angels. She is starring in it with the Elisa Cuthbert lookalike pictured above…
…and some chick who wore a headband as an accessory. I can already tell this show is going to be a classy.
One of the more interesting things about Emmy’s fashion this year is that actresses who normally play dour killjoys actually look pretty slamming when all dressed up for the red carpet. For instance, who knew that Mireille Enos, who played that cable-knit wearing detective on the abysmal failure The Killing, could look so hot in a red dress?
Or that Kelly Macdonald, aka the dowdy shrew Margaret Schroeder on Boardwalk Empire, could be so much improved with sheer mesh and some heavy eyeliner?
“When I look at my palm I see a lady’s mouth French kissing a dog. Is that normal?” —Ron Swanson
“I tried to Photoshop it to make it look like they were happy. It was really hard. Their mouths are so old.”—April Ludgate re: the photo above
I kind of like Kyle Richards aka one of the “Real Housewives” of beverly hills, aka Paris Hilton’s aunt, aka a partial failure at gold digging because she lives in a small house, but this dress is a complete and utter failure. Didn’t they have something for her to wear at Calypso St. Barth’s?
I don’t have anything to say about this dress, because I don’t give a shit about Lea Michele.
Shark on her: “Doesn’t she look like every one of your friends who doesn’t do drugs rolled into one?”
Christina Hendricks is right on the brink of turning from “voluptuous and sexy” to “plain old f**.”
(Sorry that’s mean. But I would like to see what her face looks like when not imbued with the light emanating off of her magnificent ta-tas, which at the moment seem to be waning from the exhaustion of staying firm.)
Kelly Osbourne is about six months and 150 thrown up meals ahead of Christina.
How could you ever say anything bad about Jane Lynch except that she has a gigantic upper pectoral area?
Padma Lakshmi looks like she got doused in gold saliva, and then blown dry with the magic breath of Krishna. In other words, she looks like a disheveled bronzed mess birthed from the asshole of a heavenly clam.
Gwenie was like “Padma, darling, I want dress up like an Indian. Let me borrow a dress, and then after the show, we can pretend together we love eating?”
Padma was like, “Goop!”
Jane Krakowski looks like my sister Blara during the period when she got addicted to fake tanning and bleaching her hair, and ended up looking like a pile of straw on the brink of starting a forest fire. It makes me kind of love this hot mess.
Agh, I don’t really like Clare Danes that much, but this dress is gorgeous, minus the fact that it has the pattern of the TYR swimsuit I had for swim team when I was in eleventh grade. She looks killer.
At first I super hated this dress, but now I don’t know. I was going to say something about Nicole Kidman and Moulin Rouge and racism, but it’s not funny, so I’ll just let you use your imagination.
Gretchen Mol is decidedly gorgeous, especially as the harlot mother of Michael Pitt on Boardwalk Empire. I was going to say that I wish she had gone a little more bold, but plain and elegant is kind of her steeze, and she looks pretty flawless in this dress.
In this photograph, Kathy Griffin looks like this 78-year-old woman I know who just went to rehab for a pill addiction. Didn’t she get plastic surgery to look better, or something? Didn’t work.
Am I the only one who didn’t know that Peter Dinklage is married to Angelica Huston?
The dildo Tom Cruise has stuck up Katie’s ass is doing funny things to her facial expressions.
(On a side note, did she really get nominated for that piece of shit show The Kennedy’s, or did she just show up at the Emmy’s to prove that she is, as everyone suspected, completely irrelevant?)
I used to call Julia Stiles “pancake face” behind her back, but I have to say, she looks great in this dress.
All I know is that this woman is the best friend of Lorelei on Gilmore Girls, and for that reason, I have nothing bad to say.
Shark Mobczak thinks Olivia Munn is the hottest piece walking the planet, but in this dress, oof! She looks like a mess.
Sophie Vargara is very Penelope Cruz in the sense that she always looks hot, but never wears anything interesting.
Paula Abdul’s left boob: “Help! Help! Don’t you see me trying to escape?”
Paula Abdul’s right boob: “Oh man, I love this shit.”
Paula Abdul’s left boob: “WHAT SHIT?!! WHAT SHIT!!??”
Paula Abdul’s right boob: “That valium she took in the car on the way over here. Shit is nice.”
Paula Abdul’s left boob: “I can’t fucking feel it! When is it going to work on me?
Paula Abdul’s right boob: “Man, I hate to break it to you, but I think the blood circulation was cut off on the left side of Paula’s body years ago. Shit won’t make it through the blood stream.
[pause]
Paula Abdul’s left boob: “HELLPPP!!! DEAR GOD!!! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
Evan Rachel Wood. Well appointed snooze.
Oof! This bitch was definitely the prettiest girl on Glee until she cut her hair and wore this dress to the Emmy’s.
I just got a little burned out of fashion analysis, but then I came upon this picture of Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. I don’t think that Amy’s dress looks good on her, but they’re such a great couple. What kind of games do you think they do during foreplay? I’m imagining something bloody and hilarious.
Heidi: Was machst du?
Seal: I’m smooth, baby, I’m smooth.
Kate Winslet looks pretty. Did anyone even watch Mildred Pierce? I didn’t, but I would right now, to avoid getting to work.
Alright, I’m officially fatigued. There are a fucking lot of television stars. I’m just going to post pictures, because let’s be honest, you’re just scrolling through this post to look at them anyway.
And I’m Judy.
I’d like to touch Kristin Wiig.
Anna Farris, who no one took seriously until her New Yorker profile, and her husband, the funny dumb guy from Parks and Recreation, look great together. And her dress is so Metropolis. I want it. Her hair? Not so much.
Heather Morris is kind of the dark horse of Glee in the sense that her character seems to becoming more and more important every season. I think this dress is monumental, and great, and makes her look like a star and also a harlequin.
Rashida Jones is always so “meh.” Like she’d give half assed head, but then say something funny about it afterwards.
John Krasinski and Emily Blunt look so perfect together, blah blah blah. [Insert seething jealous emoticon face.]
I have no idea who this is, but I really like her dress.
Connie Britton looks hot no matter what she wears, but the bottom of this dress is ugly.
This dress doesn’t fit in the boobs, and also, if this isn’t Nelly Furtado, then why is that bitch from Beverly Hills 90210 at the Grammy’s?
I’ve finally come to the last of the images I pulled off of the Internet onto my desk top!
I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed wasting my time writing it. The end.
