So, I was going to live blog the Grammy’s last night, but Caleb forbade me from doing so, because for him, sitting next to me while I’m snickering and ignoring him is boring. Weird, right?
Soon after he laid down the law, he went out to go get us some ravioli for dinner, and I was left to my own devices. I obeyed his wishes for ten minutes, but then found myself with so many things to say. For instance, at first I was like, oh, that’s weird that LL Cool J is doing the intro, who gives a shit about him. And then I was like, holy shit, is LL Cool J hosting this thing? Because seriously, who gives a shit about him.
So I ran over to my bag to pull out my laptop. Just as I was opening it, Caleb walked through the door. “Oh no you don’t,” he said.
A bottle of wine later, he was a little bit numb to what I was doing, so I picked up my phone, and started Tweeting. You can read some of what I wrote here. For a few minutes, I went fucking nuts, and then he realized that I was up to something. “Are you on Tweeter?” he asked me. “No you don’t!” He really said Tweeter. And then he hid my phone from me.
So, sadly, you can’t read every single thought that I had during that mess of an awards show that I loved watching with every fiber of my being. Especially the 60 seconds when The Civil Wars sang their pretty little ditty of a duet in perfect harmony, after which I bought their entire album. I love tinkling guitars.
As a balm to soothe my heart ache, I’ll do some fashion analysis. Here it goes.
I think the clear winners of the evening were Sophia Grace & Rosie, who do this cover of Nicki Minaj’s “Superbass,” in which they prove that even toddlers can sing, dance, and rap better than Nicki herself, especially in live performance. They served as correspondents for the Ellen show all evening.
Nicki herself showed up in a high fashion cardinal outfit, with a pope impersonator. Apparently, RATZINGER himself wasn’t available, although he might have been had she been an altar boy.
Later in the evening, she wore this weird long, tired, lacy maxi dress that looks like something you could buy at Anthropologie to go frolicking around your farmstead. In other words, she looked beautiful.
I spent the whole set screaming at her, “Why didn’t you just lip synch? Wwhy didn’t you just lip synch?”, because she can’t sing or rap live. But then I completely forgave her when she lay down on a funeral pyre, and ascended to the ceiling. Shit was spectacle at its finest. I fucking love Nicki Minaj.
I’ve never really liked Taylor Swift because I think her eyes are set too close together, and also she looks EXACTLY like this guy I went to college with. But she’s been stepping up her fashion game lately—cutting bangs for the cover of Vogue, walking around London in a floral miniskirt—and she’s also lost a disgusting amount of weight, which sadly, makes her look more feline in front of the camera. The dress she wore on the red carpet last night is pretty “Monet,” which means that it looks okay from far away, but up close, the size of the cut-out on her chest becomes apparent, and it looks mega Ice Capades.
Later in the evening, she did a performance on what appears to be a set for “Les Miserables On The Homestead,” and for it, she wore her hair in braid.
Yee haw, Taylor Swift! Let’s sit around the fire and play some banjo. Also, for the love of God, please fucking eat something.
I hate to say it, but I kind of love Katy Perry, because her music videos are fun. I also like that she does it kind of wacky on the red carpet—blue hair, plastic dresses, the greasy accessory Russell Brand (although given that he’s divorced her, he needs to be replaced). In the dress above, she kind of falls into the trap of a woman with big boobs, who wears the wrong thing, and ends up looking thicker than she actually is.
In this outfit, however, she just looks fucking nuts. Like she might jump off the stage at any second and kill you with a poisoned arrow because, holy shit, she’s not a pop star, she’s a contestant on the Hunger Games!
Kudos to her though, for crimping her hair.
I was so disappointed with how boring Kelly Rowlands looked last night. All year long, she’s been wearing dresses that roll up to expose her nipples, and then she shows up in THIS? I didn’t even recognize her without a slit up to her crotch, and her hip slowly gyrating in the air.
You know you’re at a high class event when Paris Hilton shows up wearing the best looking dress of the evening. Because, damn girl, Paris, you look good! I love it especially when I can’t see your nasty feet. I’m sorry to hear that they didn’t give you a performance slot for your masterpiece, “Stars are Blind,” but I hear they are trying to focus on recording artists who can actually sing.
Adam Levine is such a tool he makes Kanye West look cool. It really annoys me that he’s always showing up with models 6 inches higher than his tallest height wearing lifts (this one, in photo captions, is called Anne V), and also that he is featured in this month’s Architectural Digest for his home in Hollywood, which he obviously did not design.
But I have to give him Kudos for his rendition of the Beach Boys’ “Surfer Girl,” which he did later in the night. Despite his poser tattoo sleeves, and his whiney mien, he actually does have a great voice.
“I AM DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION. I AM DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION.” —Fergie
I have to say though, this Gaultier dress is kind of killer — if you like imagining Fergie in her underwear…which I don’t. STOP THE IMAGES.
Alicia Keys kind of looked like a chic smurf last night.
But I forgive her because, damn girl, you can play the piano, and your tribute to Etta James, sung with Bonnie Raitt, was pretty good.
My hatred of Gwyneth Paltrow is absolutely pathological. But as usual, she looks skinnier and more chic than I’ll ever be. Sigh. Goop. Ugh. I hate you, Gwyneth.
So, I don’t think that I’m alone in my belief that Lady Gaga’s new album absolutely sucked. And no matter how many wackadoo outfits she wears, nothing can change that. There’s really nothing else to say. She’s not a beautiful girl, so I think it’s wise that she trends toward covering up her face.
When Kate Beckinsale was on stage last night, my Twitter feed was aflurry with phrases like “Shut up, Kate Beckinsale.” Because seriously, why was she there, besides for the eye candy factor?
So, Rihanna looked like one hot bitch in this dress. I think she might even be wearing the same shoes as Alicia Keys. I kind of don’t give a shit that it’s slutty, or that her hair looks ratty.
The outfit she wore to perform, however, wasn’t even flattering. And that emotional rendition of “We Found Love,” was uncomfortable, given the presence of Chris Brown, who not only performed TWICE, but also won a Grammy.
If the Rihanna beating wasn’t enough to preclude him from winning anything for the rest of his life, then certainly his music video collaboration with Justin Bieber should.
Apparently Chris and Rihanna are back to hooking up on the DL, which is really sad.
Kelly Osbourne’s hair has gone from sleek gray to nursing home purple, but her dress was pretty, and Grammy appropriate.
If the Kings of Leon are going to make terrible music, shouldn’t they at least make an effort to trim their ratty beards for the red carpet?
One time Blara was running an event, and Quest Love was the DJ, so we hung out with him for a while in the green room.
“I hear you’re a bitch,” he said to me, after a long conversation with my sister. A few minutes later, he came upon us screaming and pulling each other’s hair in a dressing room. “You really are sisters,” he noted, and then stuck around for the rest of the fight.
Rebecca Black looks like Bam Bam on her way to a bat mitzvah, which might actually be what she was actually doing after the event.
Is it just me, or does the girl who showed up with Flo Rida (that guy has got to be kidding me) look like a one-hit-wonder-bankruptcy-court-in-5-years’ Kim Kardashian?
Awww, Adele. I got so bored of you by the end of the evening. Is your album even good, besides the two songs that became hits? I guess I’m happy for you that you won, because you can actually sing, even after getting throat surgery for a hemorraghe on your vocal chord. And you also look pretty, albeit dowdy. I like your red lips, your sparkles, and your hair.
Bon Iver seemed almost embarrassed when he won the Grammy for best new artist, like he had betrayed his legitimacy or something. Which he kind of did.
There are a lot of other stars that attended—Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert—but trust me when I say that they all wore variations on the same sparkly dress.
So instead of writing stupid, lazy shit about each one of them, I’m just going to end with J-Hud, who did a pretty lukewarm rendition of Whitney Houston’s, “I Will Always Love You.”
RIP Whitney. I am relieved you didn’t perform because it would have been scary and disappointing, but I’m sad you died, and I’ll love your music forever.