Ash Wednesday: A Revisionist History
Today is Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Jesus Christ’s 40-day sojourn with the devil in the wilderness. The encounter is known—in case you’re not familiar with Martin Scorsese films—as the “Last Temptation of Christ.”
Basically what happened was that Jesus Christ, that crazy mofo, was like, “I’m burning with lust for that hot piece Mary Magdalene, but I need to cool this shit down a little, because it’s fucking up my career as the son of God. Also, I’m afraid she’s gonna find out I’m a virgin.”
So he did what any normal man would do, and peaced out.
All alone, he went to the desert to fast and repent and be tempted by the devil he knew, rather than the one that existed between sweet Mary’s succulent thighs.
First, the devil tried to get him to make bread out of stones, and Jesus was like, “Nah man, I already pulled that trick when I fed the multitudes.”
Then the devil took Jesus to the highest temple in the holy city, and said to him, “Cast yourself down from this temple, let me see if those hot little angels come and save you.”
And Jesus Christ was like, “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THIS FACE?” Then he snorted, and moved back from the edge.
For his final test, the devil took Jesus to a high mountain, where he told him that all of the kingdoms of the world were spread out before him. “You can have all that you see if you bend your knee to me,” the devil said.
And Jesus turned to him, incredulous, and said, “Bitch, I can’t even see the Nile River from here.”
The devil was like, “You’re a condescending motherfucka, and I don’t want you on my side anyway.”
And Jesus said to him, “You smell like ass, you sulfur covered bitch.”
Then he went to a cave, and waited until his homey angels came and fed him sweet nectars from the heavens. After the 40-days were up—today, we call the period Lent—he returned to Jerusalem, where he ate dinner with his compadres, one of whom betrayed him, thus setting in motion “The Passion of the Christ.”
In case you didn’t catch that Mel Gibson flick, here’s how it went down: Christ suffered, Christ was beaten into Spaghetti-Os, Christ forgave the world with electric blue eyes, Christ died on the cross, Christ was buried in a Rock tomb.
On the third day, he rose again, to bring forgiveness to the world, and also to hit it God-style with that hot bitch Mary Magdalene.
And that was the 1,140,657,396 revision of the Gospel of Matthew. Amen.
Anyway, Ash Wednesday was always a day of great disappointment for me because for whatever reason, the ash that the priests use to make a cross on your forehead never adhered to my skin. My entire childhood, all that I wanted was a gigantic black smear of old palm ash mixed with unctuous oils to last me through my shower before I went to bed, and every fucking year, it was gone by second recess.
This morning, I almost didn’t wash my face because it occurred to me that some natural oils might help that shit stick, on the off chance that I get ashes later today.
“Oooo, can I come?” Caleb asked me when I told him the hypothetical plan. He was in the shower, and I was observing my face in the mirror, to search for signs of the detriment of my youth. They were everywhere, written across my wrinkles, my drooping left eyelid, the dull gleam of boredom that lurked underneath the surface of my stormy sea eyes.
“No way, bitch, that’s sacrilege,” I said. To punish him for even considering it, I flushed the toilet, so that the water in the shower became scalding.
“That’s what you get for disrespecting my main man Jesus,” I told him when he emerged hopping from behind the curtain.
After he finished spanking me, we sat and had our coffee. “Seriously though, can’t anyone just walk in and get ashes?” he said.
I considered that for a second. “I guess,” I said. ”It’s just disrespectful if you’re not baptized a Catholic.”
And then, to set a good example for him, and for all those of you who thinketh flippantly of the Lord our God, I sat down and wrote this blog post, an homage to the religion I know is ridiculous, but will nevertheless stay with me for the rest of my life. Amen.
