I’m at a dinner party this evening, hosted by my friend Carolina, featuring food by Fernando, who last year flew in meat from Northern Mexico to create one of the most incredible meals I’ve ever had in my entire life. So I might not only be a little bit distracted in my life blogging (life blogging is appropriate, I’m gonna keep it), but I also might occasionally have to take breaks for food orgasms.
Everyone seems excited that I’m live blogging, because most people don’t see my writing in action, but once they realize that I haven’t talked in 45 minutes, I have a feeling they’re going to get a little bit sick of me.
6:44pm: I don’t get how Stacey Kiebler or whatever the fuck her name is got elevated to red carpet icon status just because she’s “dating” George Clooney, but she is tall and lithe and looks good in clothing. Her dress is gold, and has a gigantic floral decal. I am even more disinterested than George Clooney himself, who has already moved on to the next interviewer.
6:45pm: Jane Seymour looks like Vanna White in her red sparkle dress, and I don’t understand why she’s at the Oscars.
6:46pm: Maya Rudolph’s dress looks nice for a Saturday Night Live Actress, and I like that she has a real girl stomach that kind of pops out rather than those crazy celebrity stomachs that require starvation. NO SPANX ME LIKE.
6:57pm: Oh my god. Michelle Williams looks SO FUCKING PRETTY. More about her later, because for some reason, WPXI Channel 11 will not stop interviewing fucking Maya Rudolph.
6:49pm: We switched to E! Entertainment Network, the best channel for red carpet coverage. I hope that Joan Rivers is doing it, and I hope that to change things up, she is smoking weed, like she did on her reality TV show.
6:52pm: Oh my god, Michelle Williams is back. Her hair looks so Mia Farrow, her diamond necklace is gigantic but classy (I need!), her red strapless dress, I’m guessing, will be one of the best of the evening.
6:54pm: Oh my god, do not tell me that is Busy fucking Phillips.
“I know, it’s so weird I’m always Michelle William’s date.”
“What’s wrong with my earrings?”
6:54pm: The Maras went to my rival high school. NAME DROP. Rooney Mara’s white Givenchy dress is…too low cut. But it fits her well. She’s kind of like the new Tilda Swinton—emphasis on the kind of, and only because she doesn’t wear mermaid tail dresses—only I don’t think she has much talent. One movie and a rich daddy does not make an icon.
From behind, she looks like Bride of Frankenstein without her wig—the dress is open but slashed with a lot of white bands. Could she be any less charismatic in interviews?
On a good note, she might be one of the only actresses in Hollywood who doesn’t look bridal when she wears white.
6:57pm: Sean P. Diddy Puff Daddy Combs is here. How old do you have to be to remember who he is?
6:58pm: Glenn Close’s tuxedo jacket looks foolish. No wait, actually, I like it.
7:01pm: Giulianna Rancic looks a little Black Swan in her dress, bu tit’s pretty (I’m gonna keep the tits, because those silicon masterpieces are, in fact, very pretty).
Kelly Osbourne, on the other hand…sweetie, don’t combine a green sparkle dress with purple hair. She looks like a character in a Tim Burton film.
7:03pm: For the last 2 minutes, I couldn’t remember Jonah Hill’s name, he got so skinny. The purple silk bowtie is not my favorite, but his mother looks HOT. It’s cute he brought her.
I saw Jessica Chastain a few minutes ago on the screen in the wine store, and thought she was wearing leopard print. Now that I’m paying attention, her hair and make-up look impeccable. Her dress…it’s better than what she’s been wearing all year. I think that I love it, but need more time for a conclusive judgement.
Berenice Bejo did what Jessica Biel did at the Golden Globes, and wore a modern take on a Victorian gown…and she looks amazing. What a world of a difference it makes to wear your hair up and not be dating Justin Timberlake.
Leslie Mann looks terrible in this picture, but on screen, she looks MEOW sexy.
7:09pm: Are my eyes fooling me, or is Brett from Flight of the Conchords at the Oscars. WEIRD! I hope he’s performing.
7:10pm: What the fuck is Sasha Cohen wearing, and why is he at the Oscars? Flight of the Conchords, Ali G. I’m feeling hopeful about the entertainment value of this show.
7:11pm: KRISTIN WIIG WHY DID YOU WEAR A DRESS THAT IS THE SAME COLOR AS YOUR SKIN. Sigh.
I think it’s this subtle nod to the fact that she does the best penis impression on earth.
Only her penis has a feathered bottom.
7:12pm: Kate Mara, what the fuck is on your arm. It looks like you’re wearing a pink gauze sling.
7:14pm: It kind of looks like that one shoulder drape is going to be a fashion trend for the evening. Case in point Missi Pyle.
7:16pm: I just caught a glimpse of Emma Stone, and I can tell, she looks beautiful.
7:16pm: So Sasha Cohen says he’s a dictator and he’s wearing John Galliano. I’m pretty sure those are Gucci loafers with sports socks on his feet.
7:17pm: Hahaha Ryan Seacreast’s outfit was just ruined by Sasha Cohen for the rest of the evening, and he is PISSED. I think Sasha got removed by real security from the red carpet. Seacrest has been anointed by the ashes from the urn that Sasha is carrying.
7:20pm: I don’t know who this actress is, but I like her dress.
7:21pm: Nancy O’Dell scares the shit out of me.
7:24pm: UGH I HATE JENNIFER LOPEZ. Her dress looks predictably completely age inappropriate, with her boobs popping out everywhere, but she is, I guess, pretty. Where’s her wannabe Living In Color boyfriend? Did she get plastic surgery so that her face doesn’t get tired when she pouts?
7:26pm: Everyone on E! keeps talking about how the incident with Ryan Seacrest is all that anyone will talk about all evening. News flash: No one gives a shit.
7:27pm: Tina Fey=snoozefest, as usual.
7:28pm: Ok, here’s Emma Stone. THE BOW IS GIGANTIC AND I HATE IT. I used to love Emma Stone because I thought she was cool, but then I realized, she exclusively makes terrible movies. I thought she was becoming like the Nicole Kidman of her generation—lithe, fashion forward, skinny—but she’s really more like Cameron Diaz.
7:29pm: The girl from Modern Family infallibly looks like a little person. These E! panel of judges looks like a conference of fairies.
I’m still dying over Michelle Williams. The dress is Louis Vuitton.
7:33pm: So, Stacy Kiebler’s dress is Marchesa, which means that only one more woman needs to be wearing the designer to partially complete my predictions for the evening (and that women, apparently, is Sandra Bullock).
7:34pm: Octavia Spencer looks amazing, and I’m happy she’s enjoying her moment in the spotlight.
7:35pm: WHY DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT STACY KIEBLER????
7:35pm: I KNEW IT JESSICA CHASTAIN IS WEARING ALEXANDER MCQUEEN. All someone needs to do is wear Prada, and my fashion predictions for the evening will come to fruition.
So, Jessica Chastain’s dress is kind of Lord of the Rings / Morgan Le Fey, the evil temptress who fucked her brother King Arthur, but I like it. Her hair looks just absolutely amazing.
7:39pm: Ugh, Rose Byrne. Eat something. Also, this dress is too shirt, and ill fitting.
7:39pm: Viola Davis’ dress is a disaster, and her boobs look like butt cheeks.
7:42pm: I kind of admire Shailene Woodley for doing something really different. But she looks like she’s on her way to do lines of coke off of Bianca Jagger’s pony’s right flank at Studio 54, rather than at the Academy Awards.
7:45pm: Where the fuck is Angelina Jolie?
7:46pm: A friend sitting next to me re: the girl from Modern Family—”Who is this child, and why is she talking?”
7:49pm: Is it just me, or was this Red Carpet exceedingly boring? There were like no big stars!
8pm: WHAT THIS SHIT DOESN’T START UNTIL 8:30?? I’m already losing steam.
8:00pm: Cameron Diaz is rocking a “There’s Something About Mary” haircut. Her gems are gorgeous, and her Gucci dress is ugly.
8:03pm: Bradley Cooper is rocking a pedophile moustache, and I could not be less interested.
8:04pm: Do you think these ABC correspondants go through intensive training on how to kiss celebrity’s asses?
8:04pm: Gwenyth Paltrow—GOOPS I can see your nipples. She’s rocking a cape, which recalls 1940s Grace Kelly glamour, and I’m into it. The length of it, sweeping on the floor, is a little bit ridiculous. She’s come a long way from that ridiculous bubble gum pink dress she wore when she won. But even still, the dress is kind of boring, and her hair looks awful. Score for me!
8:11pm: Brad Pitt is at the awards without Angelina? Maybe she’s off to Angora or something to adopt another baby?
8:12pm: I’m not sure if Kelly Ripa weighs enough to be considered a real person, but her drinks are pretty. I wrote drinks—where’s my mind at?— I meant dress.
8:13pm: Oh, Sandra Bullock, you fucked up your lips. But I actually like your dress—very 1980s, Dynasty glam. She’s beautiful.
8:15pm: Oh, there’s Angelina. Dammit.
So, I think that Angelina is beautiful, but a comment needs to be made about her weight. Her extremities look like tooth picks, it’s ridiculous. I was watching Inventing the Abbotts the other night (don’t do it, it’s terrible), and both Liv Tyler and Jennifer Connelly were so healthy and buxom and curvy. I really hope that at some point, starving yourself goes out of fashion, because it’s unattractive, and sets impossible standards for young women.
Like, look at those legs, are you fucking kidding me?
8:20pm: Ugh, Natalie Portman looks like a small child wearing Kate Spade or J.Crew bridal. Her eyes are bloodshot. Is she high?
8:23pm: Brian Grazer looks like a charicature for a children’s cartoon about an evil but endearing man who wants to take over the world, but is always thwarted by a child genius who invents zany weapons.
Here’s the part where I do fashion analysis of people I don’t care about:
Maria Menuous looked pretty but boring.
Judy Greer looks like the kind of woman who uses her teeth in the bedroom.
Milla Jovovich is wearing the perfect wedding dress, and I love her red lipstick.
8:32pm: Awww, what a relief to see Billy Crystal’s face instead of the abysmal combination of James Franco and Anne Hathaway last year.
8:32pm: BIEBER. Do not tell me that little fucker got ear plugs.
8:33pm: Do you think that Sissy Spacek scares herself when she looks in the mirror, because she certainly scares me.
8:34pm: I wish Tom Cruise was at the Oscars because I’d like to have seen what Katie Holmes would have worn.
8:36pm: I think if I was watching this outside of America, I would find it all to be so completely ridiculous. Almost like an Italian variety show only with less fake boobs.
8:36pm: George Clooney looks so appreciative that Billy Crystal rather than some unfunny goon is hosting the show this year.
8:38pm: Ok, I’m already bored. I’m going to go eat.
8:42pm: Just kidding about the eating. That guy Karl Zabo (name spelling wrong) who is wearing the blue tuxedo with the ruffled shirt wins the best outfit of the evening. I hope that hot young bitch next to him is his girlfriend.
8:44pm: What is this award for? I don’t care, because the guy who won it isn’t a hot guy and/or isn’t wearing a pretty dress.
8:46pm: With that Italian woman wearing a sequin dress and a face that looks like it might no longer be composed of real skin accepting an award, this really looks like an Italian variety show.
8:50pm: Desperate Housewives is still on TV? Oh no, that’s just a commercial for GCB, which stands, apparently, for Good Christian Bitches.
8:51pm: Maybe only old people are watching this show because otherwise, it makes no sense why they’d hire Billy Crystal. I love him, but he seems dated. He just made a joke about a time when movies were still made on film, and I feel like he was making fun of himself.
8:54pm: Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz are presenting. White is clearly the color of the evening.
Wouldn’t Jennifer Lopez be so much better if she didn’t take herself so seriously?
8:55pm: Oh my god, girlfriends, if you haven’t seen 2011’s version of Jane Eyre, go see it immediately.
8:55pm: The Artist just won for best costume design, and I have to say, the costume design in the movie was amazing.
8:56pm: Ugh, what’s up with Berenice Bejo’s pumpkin orange hair? So much for me loving her look for the evening.
8:56pm: There’s no way that Jennifer Lopez’s boobs are real, am I wrong? They are like perfectly appointed in that dress.
8:58pm: What the fuck happened to Jennifer Lopez’s ass? IT’S GOOOOONNNNE.
8:58pm: Meryl Streep, from what I can tell, looks amazing in her Gold dress. Very Bringing Up Baby.
9:07pm: I just ate a burrito and it was delicious.
Foreign film is up: I’ve heard A Separation is AMAZING. I’m happy it won, and I can’t wait to go see it.
On a side note, when will people ever stop making movies about WWII?
9:07pm: Oh wow, Sandra Bullock’s dress looks amazing from the back.
9:10pm: Wait, seriously, why is Christian Bale talking with an accent?
Also, great intro for him from Billy Crystal.
9:10pm: So, Melissa McCarthy won’t win, but she was so fucking hilarious in Bridesmaids, she deserves it.
I really like her. I love how she goes full glitz every time she hits the red carpet.
9:11pm: Ugh, this Albert Knobbs movie looks atrocious.
9:12pm: Octavia Spencer won, and I am not surprised. A standing ovation. Even Angelina looks happy, and she’s not even carrying a child.
9:13pm: On a side note, Anna Ferris is at the awards, and she looks like a vampy Anna Wintour. I love this New Yorker profile on her, but I don’t think that she’s funny at all.
Also, apparently Penelope Cruz is there, and goddamn, her dress is boring.
Again, Grace Kelly, only in a BLAH color.
9:37pm: I’m back from eating, and Cirque du Soleil is on. I was going to say that they’re never disappointing but then I remembered that one time, I went to go see their Winter Special at like Radio City or some other place, and it sucked. It really is incredible though, the control the performers have over their own bodies. As if they are weightless.
9:41pm: I’ve completely lost interest in the show, especially now that Gwyneth is on the screen, so I’ll go back to commenting about fashion. Two observations:
a. A lot of black and white: A nod to old hollywood, or an unhappy coincidence?
b. Almost NO MERMAID TAILS. I’m so proud of Hollywood stylists.
9:51pm: I haven’t watched Hugo, but I have a hunch it’s going to win Best Picture.
9:52pm: Ok, fine, Emma Stone’s dress looks really pretty. It moves like a dream.
9:54pm: I have no idea who Ellie Kemper is, but she’s all over the Internet. I guess her dress is…interesting? I really can’t tell underneath those road block bangs.
10:04pm: It’s nice that Christopher Plummer won for Best Supporting Actor in The Sound of Music.
10:05pm: 3-D TITANIC?? No thank you.
10:13pm: So, everyone I’m with is freaking out about what an amazing musician Esperanza Spaulding is. I’ll throw in and say that for a rock star cellist, she looks fantastic.
10:15pm: You know all of the French are sniffing their noses and saying “You finally recognize our superiority now, you stupid Americans, even though we hate your little award show.” Because The Artist just won some kind of award, and it was made by French people.
Awww, the French composer ended it with, “I have so much love to give.” And then thanked his wife, who was sobbing in the audience. Heart warming, really.
10:16pm: I fucking love Zach Galifinakis.
Kristin Wiig is kind of the female version of Will Ferrell. They are both physically funny in this kind of apologetic, awkward way.
10:18pm: Who is this hot little piece taking the cymbals from Will and Zach?
10:18pm: FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS WON!!! That’s pretty cool. I think he’s so hot. I’d let him fuck me. I’d stalk him. I’d roofie it and do it to him even if he was unwilling. I’m just kidding about that…um…
“Like many stars here tonight, he’s a lot shorter in real life,” Bret from Flight of the Conchords on Kermit the Frog.
UGH HE IS MARRIED AND THANKED HIS WIFE.
10:20pm: Are they really giving out popcorn? Don’t they know that all of these bitches at the show don’t eat?
10:25pm: Alright Angelina, put your fucking leg away.
10:27pm: From a friend: “Is it just me, or does Angelina look like she has Spanish influenza?”
10:30pm: Ugh, seriously Woody Allen won for Best Original Screenplay? Bridesmaids was robbed, and the entire movie industry will be buzzing about how women’s comedies always fail for the next ten years.
10:45pm: I’ve honestly completely lost interest in the Oscars for two reasons:
1. I’d like to eat something sugary.
2. I’m constipated.
Which means that it’s almost time for me to go to bed. I’ll leave you to not be interested in any of the mediocre movies that might win awards for the rest of the evening. Good night!
11:36pm: Ok, I just got home, and I’m back. THE ARTIST WON BEST PICTURE? SERIOUSLY? I guess I’m not that surprised. It was middle of the road mediocrity, which is always what wins. Not that I’m a credible critic, because I was drunk when I saw it.
The only movie that was worthy of winning any awards was “Tree of Life,” which was probably the only Hollywood movie I saw in the theaters this year that moved me. And it did so tremendously.