Oscar Afterparties: A Fashion Analysis
As far as I can tell from the Intranet, the only two important parties to attend after the award show last night was the Vanity Fair Party and Elton John’s bash. At the former, all of the mega stars drank champagne and water from crystal glasses, and at the latter, the flotsam from the rest of the industry floated.
I’m going to do a brief fashion analysis, starting with Vanity Fair and ending with the Elton John party, because I know that what people really want to do is scroll through and see what all of the bitches wore.
So, just to begin, apparently the Prince and Princess of Monaco were on the red carpet. Is it just me, or does Charlene look like she’s been locked in a dungeon for the past 8 months?
There are obvious comparisons to be made between her and Grace Kelly, who would have been her mother-in-law. Charlene is quite beautiful. Unfortunately, she is trapped in a marriage with Albert, who either didn’t let her choose her own shapeless gown, or only let her wear it because it wasn’t revealing. The look was, unfortunately, completely forgettable.
I made a comment last night that I wished that Tom Cruise was at the awards because I wanted to see what Katie would wear. Then he presented at the end of the show, and they both showed up at the Vanity Fair party. Despite the fact that Katie’s dress doesn’t fit on the top, it still looked pretty.
I’m not sure I can say I feel the same about her hair, which looks very 8th-Grade-English-Class to me. But I’m happy she has it long again, because it suits her much better.
I can’t tell you who designed Claire Danes dress, but I think it’s very pretty. The kind of nice thing about not attending the award show itself is that you can be a little bolder with your fashion choices. If I had seen this on the red carpet, I would have been like, ugh! The lace. But at the Vanity Fair party, she looked dreamy.
Sophia Vergara made me proud by not wearing a mermaid tail (it’s official, the look is over), but otherwise, all I can say about this dress is: “BOOBS!”
When I first caught a glimpse of Amy Adam’s dress, I hadn’t fully scrolled down the page, and I kind of fell in love with it. It was everything that Stacy Kiebler’s Marchesa dress could have been without the huge flower at her hip. But then, the length didn’t really work for me, nor did the matchy matchy silver shoes. Still, Amy Adams looked beautiful.
After the OC, everything Olivia Wilde does is profoundly boring to me.
So, this little thing Lily Collins has an illustrious career history that includes an appearance on “The Hills,” and a gig reporting on the Presidential Election for Nickolodeon, so at first, I was like, why is she at the Vanity Fair party. But then I read that she is in “Mirror, Mirror” with Julia Roberts, and then publicity trolls whirring around the blockbuster endeavor came into focus.
Sofia Coppola could have worn anything, but she wore this…and I actually think she looks great, despite her little girl figure. She just has impeccable taste.
I feel like you can actually buy this dress at either Bloomingdale’s or Tory Burch, which means it shouldn’t show up anywhere on Oscar night. Tory Burch looks nice, but the fabric looks cheap.
Elizabeth Banks! I’m kind of obsessed with you, but this dress is wackadoo. Polka dots AND feathers? Who are you, Miss Piggy? I forgive you for everything after 30 Rock.
Everyone seems to hate January Jones, but I love her by virtue of the fact that she is very, very pretty. this dress would have been awful on the red carpet, but at the VF party, it worked. With her Zelda Fitzgerald hair, it looks amazing.
Julie Bowen: Snooze. Also, you’re not going to a beach party in the Hamptons, so why are you wearing a saggy silk gown that looks like it’s from Calypso? Next.
Emily Mortimer? That’s her name, right? I don’t even know why I posted this picture, the dress is very forgettable. I think it’s because I like the long strands of pearls.
Vicky Beckham (do you think anyone calls her that?). Some people were saying that Michelle Williams might wear one of your designs to the Oscars, and I prayed it wasn’t true. My prayers were answered. I don’t really get you. Your dress is, as usual, well fitted but boring, and your face always looks like you’re constipated. Are you really high fashion, or just always around?
Minnie Driver revealed the name of her son’s father this weekend. Minnie Driver who? Exactly. I wish her dress wasn’t so asymmetrical at the top.
I think Diane Kruger is amazing looking, and I almost always love what she wears. This dress is no different. She manages to be pretty while at the same time daring. A nice, dressed down version of some of the red dresses we saw at the show earlier in the evening.
Ugh, Kate Beckinsale. We get it. You have a great body, and fantastic boobs. Did you really need to wear a print that looks like something you’d get at a cheapo store on polyester to accentuate it? It’s just not a great dress.
Seriously, Jennifer Lopez. SERIOUSLY?
And now, we will circle even deeper into hell, to where the pop stars and reality television queens dwell…
THE ELTON JOHN OSCAR PARTY.
There is almost nothing interesting that happened fashion wise at it, but I figure that people will at least want to flip through the sea of mediocrity. So, below, I have posted some pictures from the evening, with names, and the occasional brilliant thought.
Who knew, but apparently Bar Rafaeli has an extraordinarily nice ass, and very big titties. You can’t tell from this picture, but I saw others from the evening, and it’s true.
Gwen Stefani. Really? Morticia Adams meets Loreena McKennit.
It’s confusing to me how Carmen Electra stands upright.
Miley Cyrus looks…I mean, she tried, right? And, by the way, long sleeved dresses were definitely a huge trend of the evening.
Heidi Klum looks hot, but what the hell is going on with that tattoo on her forearm? DOES NO ONE REALIZE THAT TATTOS ARE PERMANENT? I just see so many pretty women getting their arms tatt’ed these days, and seems like in 10 years, they’re going to regret it.
Rose McGowan. Plastic Surgery gone awry, ears of a fairy, dress of a Dallas socialite who drinks.
Kim Kardashian looked like Kim Kardashian with her boobs covered up. I am right on the verge of becoming sick of her, but still, not quite yet.
Kourtney Kardashian looks like…I don’t know. So boring.
Dianna Agron. You’ve been killing it during the Award season. Really?
I kind of like this dress Mena Suvari is wearing, but at the same time, it seems very dated. What am I saying?
That’s basically all that peaked my interest. Check out the Daily Mail if you’d like more. I need to tear myself away from the computer and eat. Looking at all of these starving people is making me so hungry.
