Last night, I was sitting watching Bethenny Ever After when I got a press release in my inbox. “For images of Emma Stone’s Lanvin dress at 2012 MET Gala earlier this evening, please contact me,” said the publicist who sent it.
“Are my eyes fooling me?” I asked myself. “Or was the gala really this evening?”
Because there I was, sitting in an old pair of velour sweatpants that sag in the ass, Caleb’s wife beater, and a Uniqlo cashmere sweater. If I had known that the Costume Institute Gala was taking place, I at least would have put on a pair of leggings and a bra.
Instead, I grabbed my computer, typed (in all caps) DAILYMAIL into my Google search, and began to feast on the gorgeous images streaming, hot off the presses, from the event.
In recent years, the MET Costume Institute Gala has replaced the Oscars as the place for celebrities to show their sartorial mettle. It used to be that only socialites, designers, models, and the classiest, New York-based actresses were invited to the party (does anyone remember the days of Fabiola Beracasa? Anyone?). They were accompanied by the designers who made their outfits. Their numbers were few, their choices were daring, and the only people who covered them were the socialite websites that consumed my life during my first year out of college—Park Avenue Socialite, and, in the beginning, Go Fug Yourself.
Now, it’s become a Hollywood clusterfuck. The sign of the apocalypse of the event arrived last night, in the form of the harbinger Ryan Seacrest and his beard, Julianne Hough, who looked like they had just stepped off the set of “The Wheel of Fortune.” Next year, Kim Kardashian will be there. And in two years, no one will want to show up.
Despite all signs that that the event is “so over,” there were still a lot of great dresses last night, some of them daring, most of them fairly boring, a few of them awfully bad.
Some attendees wore outfits that honored the exhibition currently open at the Costume Institute itself—”Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations.” A lot of celebrities wore Prada; only one woman wore Schiaparelli. She looks like she’s a bit of a wackadoo. Nevertheless, she makes my best dressed list for being brave.
I’ve divided the hundred or so pictures into five categories: The Amazing, The Good, The Boring, The Bad, and The Ugly, to break up the posts. Because I just drank a fresh juice full of vitamins, which cleaned up my digestive system—thus putting me in a great mood—I’ll start with the best, and eventually, get to the worst. Here goes nothing.
I’m going to start with Kate Bosworth, whom the Daily Mail labeled “Emma Bosworth,” in a telling sign that nobody really knows who the fuck she is. The days when she was famous for “Blue Crush” are long over. Now, all she seems to do is show up at red carpet events, looking like she’s starving, sometimes in great dresses.
Last night, she wore Prada, and I think she looked amazing. The top note and lipstick-heavy make-up was very fashion forward, and the feathers managed to bolster her skeleton-esque frame.
Diane Kruger is another one of those celebrities who are famous for nothing but wearing great outfits, and dating Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek.” Like, the last movie I saw her in was “Troy,” in which she played “Helen of Troy,” and, fallen prey to the great beauty it bestowed on her, I’ve been infatuated with her ever since.
I think most people will disagree that her Prada last night was amazing. I’ll admit, it’s a little “American Apparel” in the boob area. And the dress kind of looks like Malachy, the Pekingese who won Westminster last year. But her necklace is fab, and no one else wore anything like the dress. Like most Hollywood events, they either did it skin tight glitter, or mermaid tail Marchesa. Diane, however, looked casually glamourous. I’m still infatuated.
Amy Adams sometimes looks like she tries too hard, but this Giambattista Valli really suits her. The Veronica Lake hair, the bow, the flowing train. I’ve never thought her to be a great beauty, but here, she almost looks like Grace Kelly.
This is the nutter who wore Schiaparelli. She’s actually not a nutter at all. The headdress just makes her look like one. In real life, she’s actually a big wig at Bergdorf Goodman, and her name is Linda Fargo. Kudos to you, Linda Fargo, for your opera coat and your boldness.
Eva Mendes usually looks boring as fuck, but in this Prada (I’m telling you, all the best dresses were Prada), she looks smoking. So smoking, in fact, that she should dump Ryan Gosling AND LEAVE HIM FOR THE REST OF US.
I think Nina Dubrov is in the Vampire Diaries (actually, I don’t think, I know, because I’ve watched the fucking show). Being that she’s a WB star, she has no right to look as good as she did in this Donna Karan (which, by the way, has an amazing train), but DAMN GIRL, she looked fine. The exact right amount of side boobage. Gwyneth could learn some lessons from her. More on that later.
Emily Blunt and John Krazilkndlkkhzilk. Blah blah blah, what a gorgeous couple. But seriously, she looked great in her Calvin Klein, although it’s time for the brand to move beyond the clinging bold color thing, and on to something new.
Everyone fucking hates January Jones, but I fucking love her. I think, in this Atelier Versace, she looks smoking bumble bee hot mama. I also adore her necklace.
A lot of guests last night wore dresses like highlighted their vaginas (just you WAIT until I post Beyonce), but Rooney Mara did it the best. In this Givenchy, she looks very…Rooney Mara. Which is to say Goth and severe. I wonder what she looks like in saggy velour sweatpants.
Is this the bitch that was in Madonna’s movie? I have no idea who she is. But I love her child bride Tim Burton Valentino dress, which is very Victorian, and ethereal, and makes her look like a spirit. Also, great clutch.
So, this bitch’s name is Isabeli Fontana, and she’s a Brazilian model. Duh, right? Anyway, I fortunately can’t tell if she’s wearing a choker or not, because if she is, it would immediately disqualify her. But I love, love, love how fierce this Pucci dress is. Again, big points for uniqueness.
So, I’ve been debating for 20 minutes whether or not to put Sarah Jessica Parker on the amazing post. But I’m too lazy to move her image into the “Good” folder on my desktop. Also, perhaps inexplicably, I really love this dress. So Jackie Kennedy at the inaugaration. So appropriate for the MET, which is on the Upper East Side. Cut off her head, iron out the bottom, and I think it would make the cut. Also, I love the gold cuffs on either wrist.
This is completely a pity fuck, but I thought Lady Edith looked amazing.
And finally…Lena Dunham. Now, Lena Dunham is not a beautiful girl. But this is probably about as great she’s ever looked. No signs of female balding. No tummy rolls because of tight belts. Great pink shoes. Great make-up. And a killer smile. It made me smile to see this on the wires this morning.
On a side note, Girls was awful again this week, and I’m back to feeling vindicated about my decision to openly hate it. Maybe I’ll write more about that later.
That’s all for the amazing…now I’m on to the good.