Is it alright if I don’t write an intro? I have to fly through this commentary, because I’m fucking myself for the rest of the day wasting time on this shit. And there’s still about 100 dresses to go.
Without further ado, here’s the good from last night’s Gala.
It’s funny, when I interviewed Harold Koda (the head curator of the Costume Institute) for Departures, he said that his biggest secret pleasure was lobsters, and here Anna Wintour is, wearing one on her Prada dress. I love it!
Anna’s fur stole looks completely insane, and is not weather appropriate, but come on, she looks classy. And I like it when she goes out on a limb, rather than wearing a floral skirt, a cardigan, and kitten heels. This outfit is good.
Her daughter, Bee Shaffer (does anyone know what the fuck Bee Shaffer does?), dressed in Erdem, also looks good, although the neckline is, in my opinion, completely snooze.
I have no idea what Solange Knowles is wearing, but the color really suits her. Clean, simple, elegant, and peplum. I like it.
Allison Williams, I hate to say it, is really fucking annoying on Girls. But I think this column dress (by Ralph Lauren) really works on her.
Coco Rocha, wearing Givenchy, looks like a fucking nutjob, but she gets major points for standing out from the crowd. Also, I love how she’s channeling Nicki Minaj with that pink hair.
*PS I just found out she bought the suit, with wine-stains, from the Elizabeth Taylor auction at Christie’s! I’m dying for you now, Coco Rocha!
Everyone is going to rip Elizabeth Banks a new asshole for looking like a wacko in this Mary Katrantzou (who the fuck is that?), but ever since 30 Rock, I’m completely in love with her. It’s clouding my judgement. I just love it that she went out on a limb.
I wish someone had taken a dress steamer to Dianna Agron’s skirt before she stepped out of her limo. If they had, she would have looked amazing in this Carolina Herrera. Or mostly amazing, because the bodice fits weirdly. Nevertheless, I like her belt, I like her hair, and I like that she’s not Lea Michele.
I actually don’t really think that Kirsten Dunst even looks good. She looks like the red carpet bled all over her Rodarte dress. But I like that it’s channeling the 1940s, and I like that it’s a little different. Rodarte’s Fall 2012 collection was inspired by the Australian outback (barf), and this dress is clearly from the line. I probably will regret putting Kirsten Dunst in this category.
I think that Kristen Bell is like, really fucking annoying, and her new show with Don Cheadle sucks. But this Tommy Hilfiger really suits here, even though it looks like it’s choking her around the neck.
I know, I know, Florence Welch looks like she should be committed to a mental institution. But she’s wearing vintage ALEXANDER MCQUEEN. Killer. I wish that she would steer away from colors that wash her out, but kudos to her for wearing a dress that you can’t really wear anywhere else, because you’d get ripped apart by fucking Kelly Osbourne on E!.
This dress by Oliver Thyskens for Theory is totally Mad Men Season 3, and I like it a lot. Oh, also, the woman wearing it is Caroline Trentini. She’s a model. That’s why she’s so lithe. And hungry looking. I bet no one would have been commenting on HER weight if she was cast as Katniss Everdeen.
Seriously, I know this is Camilla Belle, but I have no idea what she does. I used to think that she was a socialite, but now I think she’s an actress? Someone help me.
Anyway, this Ralph Lauren is clearly fantastic, but honestly, it’s been in the Ralph Lauren flagship store window on Madison Avenue for like 2 months now, so I’m kind of over it. Nevertheless, here it is, on my good list.
Karolina Kurkova is wearing Rachel Zoe. (I would be so frightened if I saw Rachel Zoe walking down the street). She’s doing the Bianca Jagger/Ali MacGraw 1970s turban thing, and I love it. She must have looked like a goddess ascending the stairs of the MET.
AGH MEGAN YOU ANNOYED ME SO MUCH IN THIS PAST WEEKEND’S EPISODE OF MAD MEN GOING BACK TO ACTING AND FUCKING OVER DON DRAPER! YOU BITCH. But Jessica Paré, actress who plays her, you look ‘aight in this L’Wren Scott. Your stylist could have done you some good cutting a few inches off the bottom of this thing. And it’s so heavy that it makes YOU look heavy. Or maybe you’re just not model thin. In any case, I look forward to seeing you more on the red carpet.
This is a mistake. I don’t think that Ginnifer Goodwin looks good at all. I think that she looks like she wants to bite me with her small teeth.
Where’s Kim, Kanye? Not invited. Classy move, showing up without her anyway.
Rihanna. You don’t belong here. Why are you in a movie? Why must you now change your entire appearance to emphasize the fact that you’re in a post-apocalptic movie? This Tom Ford looks awful here, but in other pictures, it looks good, which is how you arrived on the Good list. I meant to write good twice in the last sentence.
Ok, so Melania Trump is not on this list because she looks good. She’s on this list because she looks EXACTLY LIKE SHE SHOULD. I mean, look at her face. It’s like 3 stages of plastic surgery away from looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein’s. You go girl! You be Donald Trump’s wife! You dress like an 1980s power bitch! You wear pointy shoulders! You age ungracefully! I’ll be rooting for you (and so will the NY Post) all the way down to your deep, dark, plastic old age.
I still don’t know who Rachel Upton is. I think she’s a bikini model! Nevertheless, I look at pictures of her on the Daily Mail every day. They reported that she had to pay $25,000 for her ticket to the MET, because she was involved in some kind of scandal? Who gives a shit. She kind of looks like she’s wearing a sparkly Speedo, and I can’t find pictures of her from the front. Also, her eyebrows—woah Nelly! That is some chola shit right there. I don’t know why I put you in this category, but here you are. So appreciate it.
Rosie Huntington Whiteley (that name might be spelled wrong) was in Transformers, right? And she’s dating Jason Sratham (that name might be spelled wrong). I don’t give a shit. You are VERY beautiful. And your Burberry suits you, because it kind of conceals the fact that your body looks like a walking stick. Very Jane, wife of Roger Sterling. Very furry. Are those stripes? I want to pet you. The end.
Renee Zellweger is like fucking all over the wire, walking up the stairs of the MET. I have no idea what this dress looks like from the front. But from the side…pretty, right? At first, I thought this was Kate Winslet. I’m happy you gained some weight, girl, you look fine!
Ugh, Jessica Biel. Your Prada is pretty, but what’s up with the puffy hemline? And why the dour hair? And why the Justin Timberlake?
You can almost see Marion Cotillard’s cooch through her Dior, but she still looks pretty.
Anyway, I give you, and all the ladies above you, the “good” stamp of approval. I would wear any of your dresses. If I had boobs. And a flat stomach. And a skinny ass.