Given that the event was populated mostly by Hollywood stars, many of the dresses were uninspired, chosen by the same stylists, and fashion-police-safe. I almost want to call this the “Oscar’s Category.” But instead, I’ll go with “The Boring.”
Wendy Murdoch fucking owns you. And all of your political opinions. She doesn’t need to inspire you with her fashion choices as well.
She’s wearing Vera Wang—literally. I think that if Vera Wang let go of her, she’d topple over from hunger.
Amy Poehler. Peplum and mermaid tail??!!! Oof. Pam the Vampire on True Blood would have worn it better.
Michelle Dockery, as usual, looks quite Lady Mary in her Ralph Lauren. This is the type of actress who will forever be typecast. Also, get rid of the gloves. Please. For me. Next event.
James Franco showed up with the performance artist Marina Abramovic. Do you think any of these famous artists ever feel bad for selling out? They’re both wearing the same outfit! Snoozefest.
Jessica Alba is like, really, really, really beautiful. I love it when her pictures show up in the tabloids. She has great every day outfits. And her Instagram feed. I follow it! But on the red carpet, in this Michael Kors dress, she’s so fucking boring. Amy Adams’ outfit watered down for the Disney audience.
Sophia Vergara is wearing Marchesa. I fucking love Sophia Vergara. She’s so funny. She has such big titties. But she wears this dress every fucking time she steps out on the red carpet, in a different color. I bet the beading was lovely. On someone else, it would have popped unexpectedly. On you, it’s just kind of a snoozefest. I guess what they say is true. It’s really hard to dress if you have huge boobs. (I want them anyway).
Debra Messing. I’m moving on before I fall asleep.
Here’s Vera Wang, clinging on to someone else for dear life. This someone is apparently Paula Patton. Was she in a movie with Tom Cruise? She kind of looks like that girl who was in that movie with a whale or something, that got nominated for an Oscar a few years back? Seriously though, who is she?
Hilary Swank. Don’t wear things around your neck. Next.
I feel bad for putting Chelsea Clinton in this category, because I’m happy she showed up to the event, I think wearing Oscar De La Renta. Do you see what I mean about a lot of dresses last night highlighting the vagina area though? Perfectly acceptable, perfectly forgettable. I wonder if she’ll run for President someday.
SIDE BOOB ALERT! SIDE BOOB ALERT! Katharine McPhee is playing the “I’m getting kind of famous again, notice me! notice me!” card which is an age old routine. Her Elie Saab fits her like a glove, but what’s up with the belt floating around her midriff?
Emma Roberts Escada is definitely pretty. But she doesn’t fill it out. A lot of these actresses look wrinkly, and I think it’s because it was so humid in New York yesterday.
Brooklyn Decker is wearing Tory Burch. Like, ugh, seriously? Also, is it just me, or does she look different every time she leaves the house? In any case, this dress is so mother of the bride. I almost should have put it in the “bad” category.
Rosario Dawson looks GREAT in this Calvin Klein, blah blah blah. RAWR (that’s a pussy cat sound). Leather!
What do you think it’s like to be married to a dead person?
Liv Tyler is wearing black Givenchy. A lot of stars last night wore black Givenchy. I can’t figure out why. In any case, this look is kind of a SPLAT. On a side note, doesn’t she look like a Muleavey sister with those bangs?
Is Ashley Greene really only famous from Twilight? That seems insane to me. She doesn’t even have that big of a part. She made the 2012 Oscar Night mistake of wearing a one-shoulder decal. Her dress is Donna Karan, but it looks Icecapades to me. She looks like a way too thin, albeit very pretty, Nancy Kerrigan.
Gisele, in a black Givenchy (see what I mean about the pattern?). I bet she’s really something to behold in real life. But in pictures, the dress doesn’t pop. That much. It’s really a lovely gown. It’s just that black is so boring.
I put Gwyneth in the “boring” category, because she’s always so desperate for attention, that it’s become boring. Like, if she had shown side boobs this one time, I would be like, hmmm, interesting. But it’s like, every time she steps on the red carpet these days, she’s begging for you to look at her nipples.
The dress is Prada, and very 1990s, am I wrong? I could see Carolyn Bessette Kennedy wearing it back in the days before she passed way, only she would have done it less revealing, and more classy.
Cate Blanchett is wearing McQueen, but it looks an awful lot like the Burberry Rosie Huntington Whatever was wearing. I wonder if it’s Sarah Burton McQueen. In any case, it’s just not that interesting.
Dakota Fanning looks like she went dress shopping at Kleinfeld Bridal for her dress (seriously though- how many wedding dresses do you see with that Rose ruche decor these days?). Anyway, it’s actually Louis Vuitton. And although it’s not awful looking, it doesn’t fit her well. It’s just plain old boring.
That’s it for the “middle call” dresses. They weren’t interesting, but they didn’t horrify me. Next: “The Bad.”