I’m on the fucking home stretch now. I can see the finish line from here, baby, and it looks like a popsicle I’m going to treat myself with, waiting for me in the freezer.
Now, there were some truly awful dresses last night, a few of them hilariously so. Watch me as I flay them below.
(Can you flay a dress? PROBABLY NOT. Fuck you.)
I’m almost positive that Beyonce wore the worst dress of the evening. I mean, you can literally SEE her ass through the back of it. And talk about highlighting your vagina. When I first saw it, I was like, oh no you didn’t, girl. Oh no you didn’t wear House of Dereon.
But then I realized it was fucking GIVENCHY, and I lost my faith in the entire brand. Forever.
Like, who do you think you are, Beyonce? Cher?
It’s funny how Beyonce can do it right everywhere but the red carpet, where she historically—and spectacularly—fails almost every time. You have to hand it to her for trying the high fashion thing, however.
First runner up for worst dressed was definitely Leighton Meister in Marchesa. Not necessarily because the dress is bad (it’s awful), but rather because HER FAKE TAN MATCHES THE COLOR OF IT! Like, is she purposefully channeling Patricia Krencil? Is she fooling us? Will she flay* her make-up artist alive, and then burn her after this?
*Hooray! I used flay correctly.
I kind of love it though, because it’s such a faux pas. I feel like Leighton will read the negative press, and be like, whatever, fuck you, I’m going to go eat. I like her.
“Come into my lair, I want to suck your bones to give energy to my devil spawn fetus, little kid.”
(Mary Kate, come on, are you fucking kidding me?)
Christina Ricci has to know that she looks completely insane in this Thakoon dress, so you have to give it to her that she showed up in it.
But I mean, COME ON. It looks like her shoulder line is at her breastbone, and a little head is going to pop out from beneath it. “Hey guys,” it’s going to squeak, all bald and wrinkly. “I’m Christina’s Siamese twin.”
Come on Rashida Jones, you couldn’t have enough brought out your C game for this? I mean, not only is it Tory Burch, it doesn’t fit you. It looks like a Forever 21 pattern spit up all over you, and then expanded down your body like a fungus.
It looks like the pattern on Rashida’s dress went to Wonderland with Helena Bonham Carter, and came out supersized. Then it crawled along Madison Avenue, climbed up the fire escape to Tory’s apartment, and trapped her in her secret “Lonely Saturday Night” wedding dress.
That doesn’t make sense, huh. FUCK IT.
Oof, Donna, boob fat. Sheer skirt. Bad news.
Fortunately for you, you scored with a few of the celebrities you dressed for the evening.
Scar Jo! This Dolce & Gabbana really accentuates your diminutive stature. To me, it looks Medieval Times meets the children’s dress up department at FAO Schwartz. Also, it too closely matches your skin.
Kristen Stewart, I understand you’re too cool, and shit, for this red carpet nonsense. But you’re not a good actress, so the red carpet makes you famous. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. And don’t let your Balenciaga shoes do it either.
I mean, what can you really say about these Game Show Queens?
Milla Jovovich is apparently wearing Marc Jacobs, which wouldn’t be good even if it didn’t look like a handful of wrinkled ribbons.
Jamie King is clearly hungry. Even worse, she’s wearing a snake around her neck, and her dress looks like a baby doll dress cut long, and wrinkled in a closet for 10 years.
Shailene Woodley seems to have this weird attachment to Asian-themed patterns and high necks, which I don’t really get. You have a teenage bosom, Shailene, show those puppies off before they start to sink.
You know, I had a lot of hope that Shailene would be like the next fucking, I don’t know, brunette young actress who shines on the red carpet. But you’ve failed me time and time again, in the past year, Shailene.
WAH. I’M CHLOE SEVIGNY.
Shit though, talk about aging poorly.
I’m handing it to her for wearing Miu Miu, even though the dress is fucking CRAZY. And those bootlets are killer.
All together, however, she looks like a fucking mess. I miss the Chloe Sevigny of 2003.
Oh my god, I’ve come to the fucking end! Hallelujah!
Now back to my regularly scheduled program of fucking up my life by doing nothing meaningful.