One of the benefits of studying art history throughout college is that I have an excellent memory for remembering pictures. Today, I put that skill to use finding photographs of celebrities, and I think that everyone can agree that it’s a tragic waste of my education.
Let’s just say that, if pressed, I could probably list, in order, every single outfit that Katie Holmes has worn since June 29, when she announced her divorce from Tom Cruise. I could also probably list every outfit she’s worn to go see a movie with Suri since April.
I like this outfit very much, and I would like Katie Holmes to donate it to me for being obsessed with her. Thank you very much.
Now, I haven’t always liked Katie Holmes. In fact, the way that she curls her upper lip when she smiles always made me wish she would drown in Dawson’s Creek.
And, when she married Tom Cruise, she seemed so helpless. She let him take the driver’s seat, and for what? A daughter that looked exactly like him? A bowl hair cut? A Valentino ball gown?
She could have been—or so everyone thought—one of the most beautiful and fashionable women in the world, but she just shrank into herself, liker her soul had been taken by the alien God Xenu, and used to feed her husband’s telepathic powers.
Then, she fucking stealth divorced him—changed her phone numbers, moved out of their apartment, got a new security team—and won my heart forever, or at least for the month of July. Ever since she made the announcement, she’s been stepping out in public looking, if not sartorially perfect, then at least comfortable in her own skin.
She is saying: “I am Katie Holmes, and I have my own sense of style!” Like really slowly and sweetly with her lip curled. “Love me.”
Now, Katie’s personal style is not necessarily my favorite. There are a lot of repeat offenses, like long sleeved shirts in 95 degree weather, tan booties that accentuate her cankles, and too much denim. Like, if a normal fucking person were wearing that shit in New York every day—where the weather is so hot that every time you leave the house, the top layer of your skin burns off—you’d probably be either retarded, anorexic, sick with a blood disease, or living in another dimension where the weather was cooler.
Take this outfit for instance. It’s a fucking disaster. Not only is she wearing bell bottoms, she’s also wearing pointy-toed patent leather shoes, a denim shirt, and a scarf that looks like something my grandmother picked out of the bargain basket at TJ Maxx.
But then we have this dress, which looks like something I might have bought at the Gap and lost in my closet. Still, after seeing Katie Holmes wearing it, I desperately searched the Internet to find an exact copy. I love the yellow. I love the swingy skirt. I love the way that she’s wearing the jean jacket on top. I don’t love so much love the tan ankle booties, but I must admit, I have a pair as well, and because of Katie, I am going to wear them every day even though they make my legs look like hunks of birch wood.
This is an outfit a girl like me can get down with. It’s an outfit that I can emulate. It’s probably an outfit I can also buy, because allegedly, Katie Holmes has almost exclusively been wearing the fall collection of her new clothing line, Holmes & Yang, out in public, in a brilliant and deceptive advertising campaign.
I think we can all agree that despite the fact that Katie looks like she got socked in the eye, she looks absolutely killer in this orange dress.
Less so in the outfit she wore the day after she announced the divorce, which was pretty, but didn’t really feel “her.” LIke, what are those cheetah print shoes? Where are the shoe booties? I’m confused why her hair doesn’t look like a disaster? Here, Xenu might still be dressing her.
If it were the middle of fall, this outfit would be killer. The leather pants don’t really suit her bottom heavy frame (Katie, I’m yours because I have a similar one). But I like what you’ve done on top with the cream shirt and blazer, I love your shoes, and I love your simple necklace.
This was one of Katie’s weirder outfits, because from the back, she looked like a skeleton wearing fleshy pears on her chest. You could see the full side boob. From the front, it’s ok. I’m going to take the opportunity to point out that this picture was taken when Katie was bringing Suri to the Children’s Museum, where they go almost every day.
This is another one of those “Gap 1969” outfits that I’m pretty sure I already own. I would be lying if I said I didn’t prefer Suri’s dress. But Katie looks great in it, minus the weird Kermit the Frog flats. Katie shouldn’t wear flats at all. They truncate her legs.
On a side note, Katie’s accessories post-divorce have been unerringly simple, and I’m pretty sure it’s because Suri is the ultimate accessory for a single mom, n-est ce pas?
Again, I’m pretty sure I bought this shirt from H&M seven years ago, when “Hippie style” was in. Nevertheless, I love the light wash jeans, and I love how comfortable Katie looks. Skinny jeans look much better with ankle booties than they do with flats, at least for Katie.
And Suri, girlfriend, did you buy that pretty little thing in Mexico? Te amo, bonita.
I can’t tell if this dress is from Lands End, or J.Crew, but it looks like a turtleneck my mom would wear on a hike plus a dress I would wear when I’m feeling fat. I’ve always thought that Katie Holmes was cursed with that terrible, frizzy, thin hair that doesn’t look good unless it’s up, and I think this photograph pretty much vindicates me, every opinion I’ve ever had, and my own somewhat fine hair. Cool clutch though, Jackie O.
I absolutely love Katie’s camisole here, which allegedly she was wearing yesterday when her Mercedes got hit by a dump trunk. And I also love her second best accessory, the black guy with the white arm on her security team.
Next up is a series of bizarre, matronly outfits like the one above. This is what Katie wore when she took Suri on one of their many ice cream trips, and I feel like it’s from LL Bean.
SAY NO TO JEAN SKIRTS, KATIE. There is almost nothing good that comes out of an A-line jean skirt unless you are:
b. living in the early 1990s
c. six feet tall with mile high gams
d. my anorexic hermit mother, who does not give a shit that she wears children’s clothing
This shirt wouldn’t be acceptable even if Katie was at Bonnaroo.
This shirt looks like something made in India that they sell at Calypso for $300. I don’t like, but I don’t hate.
And Suri, girlfriend, that’s a repeat outfit. I’m disappointed in you.
SCARY TOM CRUISE INTERLUDE.
This is funny because literally at the end of every post on the Daily Mail about Katie Holmes, they put this picture of Tom Cruise, I think to scare the shit out of people.
This was another one of those bedazzled shirts I don’t prefer, mostly because it looks very Indian wedding mother of the bride. The cut isn’t flattering.
By the way, that dude at the bottom does not seem to give a SHIT that the most famous child in the world is right within his reach, rocking some Wizard of Oz ballet flats. And Katie Holmes’ mother, who is right behind her, looks exactly like she should—Midwestern mother with a sensible haircut.
And finally, Katie’s recent butch look—plus a hot pink color that really suits her—with accompanying messy bun that she rocks almost every day. It’s funny, the messy bun thing. Like, those were REALLY in style when I was in middle school, and Dawson’s Creek first came on TV. It’s almost like Katie, when she divorced Tom Cruise, just reverted back to the girl she was when she first became famous. No stylist. Simple, somewhat misguided outfit choices. Messy buns, bad make-up, and a crooked smile.
I’m on Team Katie now, and probably forever. I have to say, however, I can’t wait to see what insane bitch Tom signs up to be his girlfriend next. I’m betting on a Scientology underling.