I might do a Friday post every week about things that make me angry. For instance, I’m all worked up this morning about what Kate Middleton’s been wearing on her Pre-Olympic appearances.
Like, alright, this would be nice if she was fucking going to a Sunday morning baby shower on Long Island, but she is a fucking PRINCESS. I swear to God, I have the exact same wedges from Payless. And that belt, I gave it away at my stoop sale because I bought it at the bargain bin at H&M.
All of the nicer fashion blogs are all excited that Kate bought the dress above for 35 pounds sterling, or whatever the fuck. They praise her because she buys her own clothing on a shoestring budget. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE BUYING HER OWN CLOTHING?? If there’s anything the British royal family should be investing in, it should be dressing Kate Middleton, because Lord only knows she’s the only cash cow in the family now that William is balding.
Is it so wrong that I want her to stop dressing like a lipstick lesbian at a volleyball tournament?
Or a PTA mom?
Princesses are supposed to wear tiaras and Valentino, not fucking Reiss and Zara. Get it together, Kate. You’re ruining my morning.
Another thing that’s making me really angry is that this morning, this dickhead driving a dump truck told me to shut the fuck up.
Granted, I started screaming at him first. But come on, take my side of the story.
I was riding my bike back to Brooklyn from Physique 57, down Spring Street, in the bike lane, when this r***rd sideswiped me. “What the fuck dude!” I screamed as he raced through a yellow light, full on drove up on the sidewalk, and turned down Lafayette.
Fortunately, I was able to catch him at the next block. I could see him watching me in his rear view mirror as I approached him, furiously shaking my head like, “Oh no you didn’t, and now you’re trapped at a light, and have to confront me.”
Just as he started saying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you,” I screamed, “You drove up on the fucking sidewalk, dickface.”
Now, some of you know that I take quite a bit of authorial license on this blog, and exaggerate the truth almost constantly. But I really did say that to this dude, who strangely looked something like a meth addict. I say strangely because garbage dump drivers in New York usually look like an ethnic group that has a strong three block neighborhood in Queens.
“Shut up, you fucking bitch!” he screamed back at me.
I zipped past him, flipped him the bird, and then continued my head shake. He turned left at the next stop light to avoid me.
Anyone who drives any kind of moving vehicle in New York knows that there there is a roiling—and delicate—ecosystem that exists on the streets. Not only are there cars and pedestrians, there are also sanitation trucks, police vehicles, delivery men, and, due to Bloomberg’s introduction of bike lanes throughout the city, an increasing proliferation of bike riders. None of these vehicles co-exist peacefully. In fact, they are all almost constantly at war.
This war really gets crazy in Chinatown, where the streets are narrow, the elderly people crossing the streets do not give a fuck, and there are tons of tourists. I’m not saying anything about Asian drivers.
One of the most dangerous things to look out for, if you’re basically anyone, is minivans. In other cities, minivans are symbols of safety, stability, and family, but in New York, they’re almost universally driven by Chinese men or Hassidic Jews, who, when behind the wheel, are weapons of mass destruction. They will fucking run you over, because you are a lesser being than them. By standing in their way, you are slowing down whatever vaguely illegal activity they have planned for the day. Unless you are in the car with them, you are the scum of the earth.
A few blocks down from my altercation, I ran into a minivan at an intersection, and immediately slowed down. It was behind an SUV which was stopped at a green light. Whoever was driving it had their head down, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. The driver of the minivan started furiously honking his horn.
I watched, unsurprised, as the SUV passed me through the intersection. I say unsurprised because it was driven by an Asian lady. Through the window, she and her passenger had the expressions of goldfish focussed on a light in a fish bowl.
As soon as there was room for the minivan to pass, it swerved around them. The driver rolled down the window, and revealed himself to be a potbellied Chinese man. “Motherfucking motherfuckers,” he screamed. “You fucking motherfuckers!!!”
This made me happy, both because I feel justified in my stereotypes, and because it was funny as shit. For that reason, I have no other complaints to air this morning.