It feels like a while since I last live blogged, and I think I’m out of practice. But I want to contribute in some way to the bru-ha-ha surrounding the Olympics (Who uses that word? Does it have to do with witches?) The last time I did it with a live sporting event was during the World Cup, when I was living in Buenos Aires. Those live blogs were all about hot guys. This blog, given that the mens gymnastics team is scheduled to perform tonight, will probably not be.
Sorry guys, I’m not into leotards.
I just spent the last hour trying—and failing—to get into both The Newsroom and Keeping Up With The Kardashians. The former because it’s almost ridiculously dated—a Rudy homage? References to Dougie Howsie? An Indian blogger? I’m into my second glass of rosé, which is why the last reference makes no sense—and the latter, because even though KUWTK is basically the only show I can remember the plotline of the next day (ask me what happened on Breaking Bad last night—um, I think that Walt made chemistry?), is ridiculously boring unless Kanye West is in it, or Kim Kardashian constantly changes outfits.
Those were some pretty long sentences, are you still with me?
7:57pm: I am still watching The Newsroom. Aaron Sorkin is a megalomaniac, right? Primetime Olympic coverage begins in 3 minutes.
8pm: I already feel bad for Michael Phelps.
8pm: I don’t know, I don’t think Ryan Lochte is that hot, he looks a little too “Eastern European group sex party” for me. Don’t even ask me how I know about those.
8:02pm: If you started following Bob Costas on Twitter during the Olympics, how long would it take you to unfollow him after? I give it two weeks.
8:03pm: YES. Diving. Synchronized diving is so ridiculous.
8:01pm: The Chinese are clearly going to sweep this. I don’t even know why other countries try. Do you think it’s weird, but Cao Z and Zhang Y (?) are pretty hot in their Speedos. I’d hit it.
8:05pm: D. Boudia from USA is mmmm mmm yummy, but his partner looks…short? I’m trying not to be mean. How can two people a foot apart in height be synchronized in anything?
8:10pm: I’m taking a break to talk to Caleb on Skype, because he’s in Saigon.
8:15pm: What??? GB is winning? I didn’t even know British people could get six packs because of how much they drink…that comment is so offensive I should renname my blog “Mitt Romney Grows in Brooklyn.” Ba dum dum ching. I love how Olympics commercials are totally geared towards women.
8:18pm: My goal this round is figuring out what the weirdest country competing in this event is.
8:19pm: The Chinese stuff their packages for this, am I wrong? Oh my god, Chinese kids are so cute.
8:19pm: Do you think the Chinese celebrate after they win events, or do they just go back to working towards world domination?
(All of the offensive thoughts on this live blog don’t belong to me. They belong to Franke.)
8:20pm: I seriously think the cutest thing in the world is parents rooting for their kids in the Olympics, but that could just be because we haven’t yet gotten to the gymnastics.
8:21pm: Wait a second, who are these guys in the black bikinis? They just made 4 sommersaults, but I think points will be taken off because they made a big splash like a belly flop.
8:22pm: WHAT?? MEXICO IS COMPETING?? I love it. Oh my god, who is this Tiny Tim Tom Daley kid? He’s a cutie.
If I was Justin Bieber, I would definitely do him.
8:23pm: That was a big miss for GB. I’m not even just saying that because the commentator just said it. I mean it.
8:24pm: I knew the Chinese would win this.
8:26pm: Do you think the Mexicans are going nuts now that their synchronized diving team is in second place? Normally I’d say they don’t give a shit, but the Mexicans probably don’t make it to the top of many diving events, am I wrong? Maybe they do. I love Mexicans.
8:27pm: The idiot commentator just said that Chinese people use the word tidal wave. I think he meant Japanese. Who knows though, he might not be able to tell the difference between Asian people.
8:29pm: These Mexicans are sexy. We’re still on diving, by the way.
8:30pm: Mmmmm mmmm Tom Daley. The commentator (Bob Costas?) just used Twitter as a measure of Daley’s worth as a human being.
8:30pm: How the hell do they keep these Speedos on?
8:33pm: Facebook stalking break
834pm: Wow, the Chinese just killed the twisty thing.
8:35pm: Do you think anyone has sex in the hot tub they all go after their dives? Like after hours? I’m putting it on my list.
8:36pm: Oh my god, McCrory’s (American diver) parents are killing me with cuteness.
8:37pm: Oh my god, the Mexican fans are also extremely endearing. There are some thoughts going through my head about legality, and how I wish all immigrants would get citizenship. Non-specific, of course.
8:40pm: I want to learn more about China’s athlete breeding program.
8:40pm: So China came in first place, Mexico came in second, and the United States in third. A predictor of the future?
8:44pm: Is that John McEnroe in this spot? Does he have a tattoo? Who’s throwing him this bone? Is he paying somebody to be appearing?
8:46pm: It’s nice to know that these beach volleyball women have second careers on Dancing With The Stars. I bet you couldn’t teach Michael Phelps how to dance, even if he needed money. My sister smoked pot with Michael Phelps one time at a party. I just wanted to throw that in there.
8:48pm: Who do you think is a bigger player on the charity event circuit? John McEnroe or Bobby Kennedy Jr.?
8:49pm: I’m almost positive that I’m related to Kerri Walsh Jennings, because my last name is Walsh, and my cousin’s first name is Jennings. I mean last name. They’re my first cousins.
8:49pm: Oh my god, are these beach volleyball girls not wearing bras? I mean, I wouldn’t wear a bra either, except I have pointy nipples.
8:50pm: By the way, we’re on beach volleyball. Women’s.
What’s up with these new uniforms? I thought they wore sports bras? Why aren’t they playing on the beach? Why do they have to wear Oakleys indoors? I have a lot of questions.
8:52pm: These Check Republic girls are sexy. I didn’t spell the name of that country right at all.
Wow. Supermodel gorgeous.
8:54pm: I find beach volleyball to be very uninteresting.
9pm: Ok, here’s a rant. The last commercial was by Citi, and basically they featured athletes that are like: “I don’t enjoy anything.” I think I was going to say something about the American dream, but I lost the thought. Fuck it.
9:04pm: Is it weird that I think a lot about B-roll?
9:06pm: These girls have terrific asses.
9:06pm: I’m not that happy the USA won this because doesn’t Kerri Walsh win every year? Actually I’m happy, because I want USA to beat the Chinese in total medals won. Not gonna happen.
9:07pm: Has anyone else noticed the fantastic nail polish colors on this year’s female Olympians?
9:08pm: I’m getting a little bored of myself.
9:12pm: I’m pretty sure there’s a woman wearing purple velour leggings on my tv screen.
9:15pm: Missy Franklin is like 14 years old, right? I’m kidding, I know she’s 17. She’s super cute. Watch her very awkward “Call Me Maybe” video. It’s worth it. Trust me. Shaq is in it. Don’t trust me, that was a terrible video.
9:17pm: I was on the swim team in high school, but I only liked it because of the hazing. And the fact that we had baked treats on Friday. I love being humiliated. Obviously.
9:21pm: How much ass do you think Michael Phelps gets? I’d say a lot. I bet girls like his big nose up their p——ies.
9:22pm: Does anyone else think it’s weird that France is good at swimming? I was going to say something about swimming across the English Channel from the Germans, but that’s dated.
9:27pm: I just got to the fatigued part of being drunk, and someone needs to make me surly, or else I’m going to fall asleep.
I’m traveling back in time.
9:24pm: I think it’s crazy that these girls need to do a ton of races before the medal race. They must get so exhausted! I absolutely love Olympic athletes.
9:25pm: Ugh, god, more semifinals? Snoozefest. When do the men’s gymnastics begin?
9:29pm: I love that the guy in front of Missy Franklin’s parents is chugging a beer.
9:30pm: Awww, apparently Missy Franklin only had 10 minutes since her last race! She’s in fifth place. I’m so angry at the unfairness of life I might start crying! Awww shit, she came in 4th. Heartbreaking.
9:34pm: Apollo Ono is the biggest dork in professional athletics. But you have to hand it to him that he can make money in even the summer Olympics, even if it’s only from Subway commercials. Him and Jared the obese dude.
9:35pm: Jay-Z in a Budweiser commercial? Cristal isn’t doing advertising in this Olympics? He couldn’t slip in a mention of Blue Ivy?
9:37pm: Here’s Lochte. His goggles look like disco balls. At any second, I am prepared for him to mount a woman wearing a mini skirt, and giving some other dude a blow job. That is so inappropriate, Ryan Lochte is a HERO!
9:39pm: Lochte’s in lane 2, which is the “guaranteed not to place” position.
9:40pm: Wow, this French dude killed it. And a KOREAN came in second??? I feel an affinity for him because my sisters are Korean.
Side thought: are there North Koreans in the Summer Olympics? Or is it always winter there?
9:46pm: Awww, they are interviewing Ryan Lochte, and I take back everything I said about him. He’s so dejected! God, the Olympics are so heartbreaking. These athletes only get a few moments, their entire lifetimes. Then they become coaches at their hometown training facilites. Or get married to Kardashians. I feel so badly for him!
9:49pm: I’m on my third glass of wine, and I’m getting tired and depressed. I might be wrapping this up soon.
9:4pm: Missy Franklin, please win!!
9:50pm: Oh my god, Missy Franklin won! I am metaphorically jumping on my couch!! One of these douchebags just called it a “clutch” swim.
9:53pm: I don’t know if it’s the rose, but I’m crying along with Missy Franklin. Congratulations pretty!
BTW I don’t get why she’s wearing pearl earrings.
9:54pm: Oh shit. The men’s gymnastics are coming up. I already know what happens to these poor fuckers. But I won’t ruin it for you. I already did.
10pm: This idiot making fun of Ryan Daley should be burned Thomas More-Lutheran heretics will not be tolerated-style. Burning is a little severe. Maybe he should just apologize.
10:02pm: You know, if these gymnasts were like 6’2” I’d be way more likely to hit it.
10:05pm: Oh man, this dude just fell on his knees. I’m not talking bathroom humor. He literally did on his floor routine.
10:06pm: Before I become like the 5th season of a television show, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. This live blogging is getting boring. Good luck American male gymnasts. Thanks for doing splits and giving me dirty thoughts.