Things That Are Off The Hook
This week has been absolutely hellacious (who uses that word). Not only is it fashion week, which means that half of my professional self—the side that makes the money in the family—has had to go to a few events, but it’s also the beginning of the art world’s fall season. Every gallery in New York, after taking almost the entire summer off, is opening their blockbuster fall show this week.
Because it’s my first season as a legitimate art writer for print magazines—which is basically a vanity profession, considering that if I wrote a review for every major art publication in the world, I still won’t be able to make rent—I’m in relatively high demand. I feel very lucky. But also very exhausted.
But before I take a sniff of smelling salts to rouse myself—and eat off your face—I want to write down a few things for you, dear reader, probably even busier than me.
1. I was so tired on Tuesday, I couldn’t even get off the couch to change into my pajamas, so I took the opportunity to watch five hours of television.
First, I caught up on Gallery Girls, just because the only time I feel completely good about myself is when I’m watching those bitches. Then, I watched a few episodes of the Boss, which is like very inconsistent.
On one hand, Fraser’s daughter on the show is very pretty, and she is fucking a very hot drug dealer.
I am also obsessed with Connie Nielsen.
On the other, I never know what the fuck is going on, the screenplay is trying to hard to be brilliant, and they do a lot of Orson Welles dramatic shots that seem like NYU Tisch school “Intro to Making Mediocre Films.” I was trying to be funny in that last sentence, but I’m kind of out of jokes, sorry.
Then I turned on the RHOM (Real Housewives Of Miami), which is fucking off the hook this season. It stars like a LOT of Latinas. It strikes me that if you are like a wealthy woman living in New York, you’re really degrading yourself by appearing on that show, which is why RHONY depresses me. But if you’re like a hot little Cuban lawyer dating a Telenovela star in Brazil, and you both have boob jobs, even though he’s a man, getting a gig on RHOM is like the career move of your lifetime. You’ve made it, baby.
Now, I’m not sure if y’all watch the RHOM, but it also stars this potato face named Elsa.
Who looks like the lion in the Disney animated version of the Lion King.
This is obviously not a favorable comparison for the lion.
She used to be fucking GORGEOUS.
But then she ruined her face.
Now all she does is drink, and take painkillers, and pass out at parties wearing panty hose and comfortable shoes.
I’m serious, the shit is off the hook, and you should watch it on Entertainment on Demand immediately.
2. Speaking of animated movies, I just went to 16 Handles, that disgusting yogurt joint where they have literally a million toppings to chose from. I got there at 11:57am, not knowing that it didn’t open until 12pm. So I waited outside next to these mobsters loving life at the cafe next door.
At 12:02pm, I peered inside only to see these two bowling ball-shaped woman lounging with their feet up, watching me. They looked exactly like those people on the animated flick Wall-E who are in zero gravity for so long that they blow up like helium balloons.
At 12:07pm, right as I was about to lose my mind, they sent this other girl who was working in the back room to come open the door for me. “Can you help her?” the bitches whined from their triple chins.
Then they proceeded to complain for the rest of the time I was there about customer service at another 16 Handles franchise.
Now, I went to 16 Handles one time before, and I found it to be absolutely repulsive. Like, it’s nice that there are so many options, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t NEED so many options. I want like two flavors, and a price limit on three toppings. If I don’t have any price restrictions, and someone puts 12-15 types of candy toppings in front of me, with a spoon, my cheap sugar-addicted self cannot help but sample every single one. Then I end up with this monstrosity full of garbage that I wouldn’t even feed to Franke, not unless she begged me for 2-3 minutes.
I don’t know how I did it, but I made my way through the Heath Bar/Reese’s Piece/M&M/Toasted Almond/Coconut Ball/Brownie Bite/Chocolate Chip/Fruity Pebble/Yogurt Cluster/Mango (to be healthy) disaster, and now I feel sick.
3. I woke up this morning with a piece of blue bubble gum plastered to my nightgown, and Caleb sleeping peacefully beside me. Neither one of us went to bed chewing gum, and we just changed the sheets. Do you think someone is stalking me, and crawled in our bed undetected while chewing gum when we went to walk the dog last night? Or do you think that someone stuck a surveillance camera over my bed using gum, and it fell off, and under the sheets? This is called “Brie-type logical reasoning” or “paranoid delusions.”
4. The song “Apply” by the Swedish band Glasser is very good, and you should listen to it. Another good one by them is “Home.”
5. I think the 1990s are about to begin their cultural nostalgia moment, so get ready for a lot of literature and artistic production revolving around that shit being touted in the media. Stupides proclamation I’ve ever made?
6. Jon Hamm has a pretty big penis, am I wrong?
6. I was interested to see what Katie Holmes’ new fashion line, Holmes & Yang, looked like. It looked mostly like shit she’d wear, which is boring.
7. Kate Middleton spoke in Malaysia today, and her voice is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Not really, but it is something to talk about, at least.
8. I haven’t written about it yet, but I’d like to corner the market on “people who watch Sons of Anarchy who write stupid fucking fan blogs about it.” Because I watched all of it this past month. And yes, I’ve masturbated to Jax. I highly recommend it.
That’s all folks. It’s been real, see you out there. Or on your surveillance video screen.
