Live Blogging The Emmy Awards: I Fucking Wasn’t Gonna Do It, But Now I’m Doing It
I promised myself I wasn’t going to live blog the Emmys, because honestly, it’s a fucking pain in the ass, and no one gives a shit what I write anyway. But then I turned on the recording I did of “On the Runway On ABC,” and fucking Hayden Panettiere, that athletic little midget-like goddess of the moon (I said that last part to be nice) was on the screen, wearing the fucking Marchessa dress I sold my first born bipolar child to.
So here I am, live fucking blogging the Emmys.
6:49pm: I’m behind, because I was watching an episode of Revenge (The count Of Monte Christo meets The O.C.? I’ve watched 12 episodes in 2 days). And guess what? The fucking main actress on Revenge is on the screen right now.
6:50pm: My keyboard is fucking sticking—no more mochi ice creams while I’m typing, I guess—so this might be a disaster.
6:51pm: Oh, it’s the pleasantly plump kid from Modern Family, and I don’t give a shit. I like rotund people though. On a side note, fucking Charlize Theron is dating the gay dad on Modern Family. I’m not even kidding.
Breaking news, you heard it here first (if you don’t read the daily Mail), you’re gonna feel bad about calling me a liar.
6:53pm: Tina Fey’s dress severely diminishes her boobs, and I don’t like it.
Actually, I take it back, I like the way it falls beyond the bodice.
6:53pm: Ginnifer Goodwin always looks like a insane goth fairy, but I like her dress.
RED CARPET TREND PREDICTION: Skirts that are shorter in the front than in the back. Snore.
6:54pm: Is it just me or has Kerry Washington aged ten years since the last time I saw her in the Vagina Monologues? I seriously saw her in that.
6:55pm: Connie Britton looks a little Dallas, but also super hot. You guys know that Nashville, her new show is gonna be awesome, right? Even though it’s a musical. Y’all don’t forget to tell everyone I told you first.
6:56pm: There are so many things to be said about Damian Lewis, the terrorist in Homeland. First of all, he’s British (I’m just kidding, he’s Australian). Second of all, he’s wearing dumb sunglasses. Third of all, I can’t wait for Homeland Season 2. Fourth of all, there was a really funny article about his role BBC miniseries “The Forsyte Saga” in the New York Times this past weekend. Basically it’s like the precursor to Downton Abbey. I tried watching it a few times on Netflix but got bored. I did read the book, however, which I used to bring to seminars in graduate school. “What the fuck are you reading,” my professor asked me the first time I plopped all 1,000 pages of it down. Only she didn’t say fuck.
7pm: These live TV introducers are clearly the most miserable people on earth, right?
7:01pm: ABC is making it impossible to steal photographs off their website, so blame them if I don’t get them uploaded quickly.
7:02pm: FASHION BREAK
Padma Lakshmisiji: Why did you marry Salman Rushdie? And also, BLAH.
7:02pm: Honestly Jimmy Fallon, shut the fuck up. Oh wait, you’re fucking hosting this shit. Oh wait, maybe you’re not. Your cocaine stream of nonsense is confusing my un-drunk mind.
7:04pm: Ok, so Kat Dennings. Your boobs look UNREAL in this dress. Like, I didn’t even know those perfect little ladies were in there. You’re always wearing button down shirts and shit. WHY.*
*I didn’t realize you weren’t the same person as Lizzy Caplan. Sorry.
7:05pm: Oh my God. Amy Poehler. You brought the puppies out!! You sound so depressed though. Is it because of Will Arnett? Is it because your chest is cold? I love you so much.
7:06pm: Steve Buscemi is so cool. He’s so small I bet you could like lift him up and use him to pick something out of your teeth. I’m watching Boardwalk Empire later tonight.
Oof, Amanda Peet. Oof.
7:09pm: Kelly Osbourne looks like I did her make-up in a dark room after I drank a bottle of bourbon, but I have to say, I’m digging the gray hair…still. The combination of the tattoos with your black nails makes you look like the dirty girl at the prom.
7:12pm: Heidi Klum looks like a MILF. Her boobs look like they’re saying “auf wiedersehen” and running towards her waistline.
7:14pm: I just found a picture of Hayden in the Marchesa, and she looks stumpy.
Would have looked killer on Blake Lively. I hate Blake Lively, lately, these days, after the wedding. I kind of feel like Ryan Reynolds is one of those guys that has a small dick but treats you really really well, which you like but then get pretty sick of after a while, especially if you’re 25. I’ll like her again when she realizes that.
7:16pm: Did Michael J Fox cure Parkinson’s? I feel like you can joke around about it after he made an appearance on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I really like him.
7:18pm: Ugh, Kristin Wiig. It’s almost like, if you can’t get it together on the red carpet, where is your career gonna go? You can only do Bridesmaids one time. Go crazy, go glam, or go sit on the fucking royalties. (And if you’re not watching, Wiig is wearing, as she puts it, a “ghostly” gown, which actually looks like some weird maternity dress my mom wore at a yoga store in 1995. It’s Balenciaga. The bangs are messy, I think the thing has a ruffled collar, and her make-up is caked on like she’s 75.)
On second thought, she’s a good writer, and a good actress, so who cares what she looks like?
7:22pm: Wow, these commercial breaks are really long. No stars?*
*I don’t even know what I meant when I typed that.
On a sidenote, from earlier in the night, Skylar from Breaking Bad looks less annoying in real life.
I take that back.
7:23pm: Ooo, Julianne Moore. Your boobs looks like they’re being cut off by fabric in such a way that you have a “boob butt” situation going on right now, but I love your Dior Couture gown. Bright yellow, long sleeves, full skirt. Amazing, long hair. Beautiful red lips. Probably will be one of my favorite looks of the night.
7:24pm: Do you think Sofia Vergara tries to be funny, or she just talks? I mean, she’s really pretty, and she has an honestly amazing body. She’d look at home at the 50th birthday of a dictator in Latin America, but on the Emmy’s red carpet, she looks like an exotic bird or a Telenovela star. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
By this way this is a picture of her butt. Apparently the dress busted in the back before she took to the red carpet.
7:27pm: Is it just me, or does NO ONE ELSE want to see or hear any man speak the entire rest of the night? All that I want is dresses, and talking about dresses, and maybe some relationship tidbits, and boobs. Oh yeah, the gay red head from Modern Family is being interviewed right now. I think he might actually be gay. No flash judgements though.
7:29pm: Jennifer whatever her name is that’s married to Jon Hamm is uninteresting to me. I take back what I said. I want to hear a man speak. And that man is Jon Hamm’s penis. Why did he wear underwear tonight??!!!
7:30pm: Alright, really quick fashion break with some images I just screenshotted. SUCK IT DISABLE DRAG FUNCTION.
I think this girl might have been on the movie Thirteen or something. She’s kind of like Rooney Mara downgrade version, right? I like her shoes, and I like that she’s being a LITTLE bold.
Jesse from Breaking Bad got himself a hot little piece! Won’t last.
Ok, so just quickly, a million stars have already worn this dress, Edie Falco, to lesser events, the most detestable of them being Gwyneth Paltrow. Did you cyro-freeze yourself for a year, and miss that or something?
On a side note: You been working out? Your arms look great. And so do you, in all honesty.
7:36pm: Jessica Paré (emphasis on the é), you look just…eh. I mean, come on, you’re fucking Don Draper’s wife! I can’t see her career going anywhere after Mad Men, but that could just be me.
7:37pm: HEIDI KLUM YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. I don’t know, it just looks like a stripper. Heidi’s dress, that is. Her face looks pretty though.
7:38pm: Ginnifer Goodwin actually does well with what she has. She’s not strikingly beautiful, so she keeps her hair fresh, and she wears daring stuff on the red carpet. That being said, her dress looks furry.
7:39pm: Ooo, Elisabeth Moss, I always feel so bad for you. You look great blonde, actually. But your dress looks a little bit like a coral rash growing out of your armpits, and vagina.
(See what I said about the long in the back, short in the front trend?)
7:40pm: I guess it’s really hot in LA because that’s the only question this idiot interviewer can think to ask his subjects. He seems very nice though.
7:43pm: Best call of my life—Blossom is going to get cast as some kind of half-down-home-girl, half-earth-goddess in True Blood, and resuscitate her career. That dress is very Melisandre from Game Of Thrones meets a mere mortal who broke her hand from giving too many Vampire hand jobs, am I wrong?*
*Apparently she did have a comeback on The Big Bang Theory, I’m an idiot.
7:45pm: Christina Hendricks boobs are bigger than her face. How often a day do you think her goofball of a husband sticks his face in them and goes: “Blubber blubber blubber.”
7:46pm: This fat kid from Modern Family has arrived like 3 times already.
Sally from Mad Men is so super cute. But she could have gone like the Emma Thompson/Chloe Moretz route, and done it high fashion. Instead, she looks like she’s on her way to her Confirmation party.
7:48pm: Not a single one of these people is sweating, even though everyone is talking about how hot it is. Is this being filmed in hell?
7:49pm: Edie Falco is so cute, and she’s wearing orange nail polish. Swoon.
By the way, here’s Gwynie wearing the same dress. Edie does it so much better.
7:51pm: January Jones, I’m still groaning 30 seconds after first laying eyes on your hair and make-up. Your dress, no matter how goth, is still gorgeous. Red doesn’t suit you.
7:52pm: It could just be that I’m a Firefly-ite, but Morena Baccarin looks like a Companion on her way to visit a particularly kinky customer on a slimey planet in this dress. But I like that she grew out her hair.
7:55pm: So Emily Van Camp from Revenge looks…BLAH.
And Zosia Mamet looks like Princess Leia.
7:57pm: The Red Carpet is over. Is it just me, or is there like no stars here tonight? I always feel like that.
I would not be surprised at all if this was J.Crew collection on Leslie Mann. I like it a lot. I am still befuddled about how J.Crew sells things though. Like, all of their clothing looks like it’s made for anorexic moms. I couldn’t even fit my arm in one of their new floral printed/pencil leg/rolled at the bottom slacks.
8pm: Ugh, Zooey Deschanel. So annoying.
Is Mindy Kaling not going to be funny anymore now that she was on the cover of New York Magazine?
8:01pm: Ok, so something needs to be said about Lena Dunham’s haircut, which I’ve known about for a few days. When I first saw her, I thought she looked like a small boy, but now, I’m realizing that I actually really like it. It suits her.
Her eye make-up looks amazing. I wish I had a stylist to re-invent me. Sigh.
8:29pm: Ok, so Tumblr, this piece of shit platform that doesn’t autosave anything, just deleted all of the past 30 minutes of my live blogging. Now I’m too furious to continue. Also, my keyboard is sticking like Caleb masturbates all over it every night, so I’m not sure how much more I can write.
Still, I’m going to do some fashion analysis.
I think it’s bullshit that ABC showed pictures of Peter Dinklage holding someone’s hand, because he’s not a midget, he’s a child. Oh wait.
Please God let me look as hot as this bitch when I’m about to die.
At first glance, I thought this was Christina Hendricks.
But I quickly realized my mistake when I could clearly articulate the difference between the size of her head and the size of her two breasts.
This yellow Lanvin dress looks like “eh” at first on Claire Danes. Like a pantsuit you’d buy at Anne Taylor or something.
And then you see if from the side, and it looks like a silk potato sack.
Ok, so Lena Dunham’s hair and make-up looks killer. But seriously, this lace drape for a gown?
Even passively absorbing what Zooey Deschanel has been saying tonight officially cements her as the most annoying person alive, but this dress is dreamy. Like a shipwrecked cloud. I love it.
Julis Louis Dreyfuss, the first thing I thought when I saw this was “packed earth,” but I like the blue accents in your jewelry. Also, you just won for best comedic actress, and that makes me really happy! Your dress looks gorgeous in movement.
If Allison Williams wasn’t on the television show “Girls,” I definitely would have mistaken her for a red carpet interviewer tonight.
Michelle Dockery, Lady Mary says, “Shame! Why didn’t you have your maid steam your gown.”
Holy shit, what is this, Ashley Judd.
Lucy Liu looks like she just stepped off the set of a Bjork video.
I’m sure people are gonna rip Julianna Margoggly-es (spelling?) a new asshole for this one, but I’m a sucker for belted strapless dresses with wide skirts, so I like.
Julieanne Hough. I’m kind of like, “What?” But at the same time, I like it. I DON’T WANT TO LIKE IT.
Kate Mara always has this face on that’s like, “I practiced these sexy eyes in the mirror but I only do missionary style.” And also “I might use my teeth too much.”
“Back to you, Ryan.”
One dress I was sad to have missed was Nicole Kidman’s, which is by Antonio Berardi. I was going to say something about how it looks like wings are sprouting out of her waistline, but actually, it’s just really pretty. I can’t believe the fabric isn’t even a little bit ruffled. Do even her dresses get botox?
I love Gretchen Mol’s vintage Valentino. Remember when she was the next big thing? Now she barely makes the Wires, even when she looks terrific.
Ending with Jessica Lange wearing these sunglasses, looking like a class act, seems like an appropriate way to end the night.
I’m off to eat dinner and watch Boardwalk Empire.
