Three Jewels of Cultural Advice from Blara
Whenever Blara and I speak on the phone (which is less and less now that Stuprendan and her have formed a closed secret society more formidably psychotic than anything a member of the Bush family could dream up), I put her on speaker phone, and then let her run her thoughts aloud while I do chores around the house.
(Sidenote: Blara and Stuprendan are code names for my younger sister and brother.)
Usually, by the end of the conversation, I’ve finished cleaning a week’s worth of dishes, all 12 square feet of wooden floors in my living room, and my teeth without having uttered a single word.
Every few minutes, she punctuates her stream of consciousness with: “Don’t put that on your blog!” or “Do you think I’m skinny?”
To which I murmur acknowledgment, which is enough of a response for Blara to move on.
Last night’s topic of conversation centered around Blara’s business plan for her handbag company, which I honestly and truly think will be a success. Blara, for all of her loveably odd proclivities, like adopting stray kittens by the half dozen (boy, do I have a story for you…), and biting human beings as a display of love, is one of the most creative people I know.
We’re planning a trip to Shanxi, China to get samples made, with my Aunt Leggy (the youngest of my mother’s sisters) and a team of handlers well trained in the art of restraining human beings with mild electric shocks (does anyone get the Robert Jordan reference…no? make me fall in love). So Blara has been doing market research about handbags to know exactly what she wants to get done during our odyssey.
In return for listening to her talk about her business plan, Blara threw me three tidbits of cultural information to post on my blog that she promised would make me seem extremely cutting edge. I’m going to share them with you, because I want to give you the same opportunity to really impress people in idle conversation:
1. The Mulberry Alexa bag, inspired by fantastically skinny British model Alexa Chung, is all the rage. Anyone who is cool should buy one. If they don’t want a handbag, they should just make a pile of 1200 one-dollar bills, and watch them burn. Same use-value.
Also, the bags by Reed Krakoff, a former designer for Coach, are pretty high in demand.
I’m not gonna lie…I really like them too.
2. John Galliano loves Hitler and thinks Jews should be gassed.
To watch him say it out loud, click here.
3. Charlie Sheen is scary.
For those of you who have been in a hole, Charlie Sheen has been giving some pretty unbelievably hilarious interviews, in which he re-enacts entire dinner conversations my family has during the holiday season. For instance:
“She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”
He’s not bi-polar, he’s bi-winning.
Anyway, there’s the rundown of the news yesterday, as reported by Blara. I would relay it to you every evening, but I’m not part of Stuprendan’s secret society, so I don’t get to talk to her every day.
Get ready for some blogging magic from China…
