Just Relax: An Advice Column
Silky advises a woman giving a short person a reason to live, and a food-obssessive obsessed with her boyfriend’s pussy cat.
By Silky Wilky*
*A note from Brie: I am not Silky Wilky. He is actually a real person, and he wrote this.
Got a burning question? Email Brie and she will email Silky, who will then solve your dating problems.
Q. Dear Silk,
For the last couple of days, this guy I’ve been dating has been texting me and emailing me and calling me about this three-foot long skirt steak he has been marinating—seriously, it has been a part of our daily correspondence. The thing is,he hasn’t ONCE invited me over to eat this steak with him. He even was like, “I hope my cat is hungry, there is SOOO much steak in my refrigerator, and I just have no idea how I’m going to finish it.” I got pissy, so I texted him back, “I hope you like cleaning up cat barf.”
What gives? Is he ambiguously inviting me over for dinner with him? Is he waiting for me to invite myself over? Should I start spamming him about this duck breast I just bought from the farmer’s market?
A. Dear THROWING THE CAT AROUND,
Relax; your boyfriend is just sleeping with someone else. Also, more importantly, never write an email to me with “three-foot long skirt steak” and “my cat is hungry” in it again. You saucy minx….um, I mean, you perv.
Ok, so that said, skirt steak really only needs to marinate for about an hour in the fridge. Marinating for days at a time is unnecessary with this cut of beef. Simply place the steak in a ziplock bag with the marinade and try to remove as much of the air as possible. Heat the skillet over gas to a medium heat, cook for about 5 minutes a side and, Viola! Now you have a perfect meal to share with the woman you are banging. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah- your pissy text.
Your pissy text: “I hope you like cleaning up cat barf,” hardly qualifies as warning shot. He probably just thinks you have a bad sense of humor. You need to be much less subtle in what you want to happen. NO, he isn’t subtly inviting you over for dinner. A guy’s subtle invitation for dinner would be to text you at 11:15 on Tuesday night: “hey what are you doing? have you eaten? wanna come over.” My advice? Yes, invite him over for the duck breast, have a great meal, work into the conversation what a good cook he must be, and let him know you would like for him to cook for you one night rather than take you out to eat. Many times, men think a woman would rather go out to eat rather than have a home-cooked meal. By letting him know that you aren’t just after his money (lemme guess, he’s in finance, right? And you are a part of the “creative class”)* and value him as a person, you may be surprised that the invitations start flowing to the casual dinners at home.
*Only someone in finance thinks that marinating something is a creative act worthy of being shared for days at a time. Marinating something is not active. You aren’t doing anything after the initial ziplocking. Meat is sitting in a flavored sauce… “Hey! My socks are drying!” You, on the other hand, made sure to mention that your duck breast came from a Farmer’s market. Yummmm,sooo organic. “Your amateur photographs are really good. No really, they are”….Just sayin’.
Q. Dear Silk,
I’ve been dating a guy who is too short for me to take seriously, but I really do enjoy hanging out with him. I know guys hate hearing, “I just want to be friends,” but I really mean it. Is there any way to make this happen or is it not actually possible?
A: Dear BIG BONED,
First off, just relax; everyone is the same height lying down. That said, you aren’t giving me a lot to go on here…Is he short and poor? Because that makes a difference…
Ok, so here’s what happens when I look into the magic-8 ball: 1) Ryan (I knew a short guy named Ryan once, ok?) bides his time until you get drunk when you are hanging out and decide you want to hook up because you are bored and lonely. rinse, wash, repeat. 2) Ryan suddenly doesn’t laugh so hard at your jokes when he knows the night is going to end in a three-pat-hug (“so great to seeeee you!” pat-pat-pat). This is followed by a steady decline in your communication. 3) Ryan suddenly seems a tad taller to you when he meet up to catch Eat, Pray, Love because he has started sleeping with that club hostess that is a lot hotter than you are. Pine away.
My advice? Make it work romantically. Here’s why/how:
-Try stooping over a little bit. Just act like you are embarrassed of your breasts…
-Short guys are the slightly overweight ladies of the guy world: they work hard.
-Pull his cap down and he can get a child’s discount when you go see Eat, Pray, Love II
Oh, but If he’s really short forget everything I said…I hate short people….and the poors. Wait, why were you even giving this guy a chance? I’m 6’3” b t dubs…just sayin’
