Royal Weddings: Prince Albert II and Princess Charlene of Monaco
The wedding between Prince Albert II and Princess Charlene kicked off with a bang on June 28, when Charlene tried to escape from Monaco by flying home to South Africa. She made it to Nice, a few miles down the Cote D’Azur, when her passport was confiscated by the French police, and she was sent home to her husband-to-be.
According to the Daily Mail, it was third time that Charlene had tried to flee. The first time was in May, when she went to Paris to try on her wedding dress, and took refuge at the South African embassy. The second time was during the Monaco Formula 1 Grand Prix.
All of her escape attempts obviously made for a very happy wedding day.
I don’t know what Prince Albert did to finally convince Charlene to stick around for the big day, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that he didn’t woo her with kisses.
Actually I do know. He promised her that if she bore him an heir, he would give her a lot of money. In other words, he pulled a “Tom Cruise.”
The reason why Charlene was trying to escape, apparently, was because there is a third paternity suit being filed against the Prince, with another one rumored to be filed in the next few weeks.
How this man managed to find a woman to impregnate is beyond me.
Oh wait, he is a billionaire. Gold diggers like billionaires! So do airline stewardesses, porn stars and travel agents, apparently. All it took to get them in the sack was a limo ride, a few shots of tequila, and a set of underwear from La Perla.
Prince Albert was probably like, “I own Monaco.” And the baby mommas were like: “Well hello there, Prince, why don’t you try on this condom I just poked holes in, and we’ll make it an evening…You fucking idiot.”
Reading about all this stuff breaks my heart. The only thing that redeems the weekend is that Charlene looked beyond gorgeous, a true princess, a worthy successor to her deceased mother-in-law, Grace Kelly.
On Friday afternoon, she and Prince Albert were joined in a civil ceremony. Charlene wore a Chanel gown that looks kind of like this vintage slip thing that I sometimes wear when I’m alone in my apartment, affecting Edie Beale from Grey Gardens.
Grace Kelly did it better at her civil ceremony, with her little lace suit, and demure gloves.
But it’s almost impossible for Charlene to look bad in anything, given that she is graced with the body of a goddess.
The woman is, almost literally, the modern day version of Helen of Troy. Married off to a boar, forced into servitude because of her beauty. I can only hope that she finds a Paris, and not one from the Eurotrash set. A guy detached from the horror of her new life. A guy closer to her age. A guy who is truly handsome and kind of…kind of like her brothers, actually.
Swoon! I just had three different fantasies involving these two and stallions, and I haven’t even been looking at this picture for ten seconds.
The night before the civil ceremony, there was a private Eagles concert, to which Charlene wore this slick little outfit that made her look like Olivia Newton John at the end of Grease. Prince Albert II wore a jazz pianist suit, his creepy architect glasses, and the scent of another woman.
The royal couple were joined by the rest of the royal family, which includes Charlotte Casiraghi, the daughter of Caroline, Albert’s sister.
Who is literally to die for gorgeous. I covet her outfit above, although I’m not too sure how I feel about her dress on the morning of the civil ceremony.
It looks like something Karl Lagerfeld might have made for Eloise, thinking that she was a real person rather than a fictional character in a children’s book.
“I like chocolate. I don’t eat it, but I like the smell of it. People can drink with their eyes; I can eat with my nose. I would love to have a perfume based on chocolate,”* Lagerfeld would have said to Eloise over tea at the Ritz, as she tried to stick rubber candy in his mouth.
“Charge it, please,” she would have said in return, and then they would have been smitten with one another forever.
(*This is a real quote by Lagerfeld.)
Even though the dress is not my preference, there’s really nothing that beats the perfection of Charlotte’s face.
Charlotte was, of course, joined by the rest of her family. Her two brothers, her aunt, her mother, and what seems to be an innumerable amount of cousins. Not all of them are great beauties, but they do rather beat the British royal family in their Easter pastels and lack of beastliness.
Double oof!
I’ve read a few places that Princess Stephanie and Princess Caroline, Albert’s two sisters, have taken Charlene under their wing. In the picture above, it seems evident that she is happy with them, or at least happier than when she’s kissing her new husband.
I hope they’re doing the “heir” thing via artificial insemination.
On Saturday morning, after Albert unlocked Charlene from the closet, they went to the church for the Catholic ceremony.
Charlene wore a Giorgio Armani gown, which the Daily Mail says:
“…took Armani’s team 2,500 hours to prepare, of which 700 hours was spent on the embroidery alone, using ‘kilometres’ of platinum-coated thread sewn into 130 metres of off-white silk. The gown would have been heavy for the new Princess, as she would have had to carry the weight of 40,000 Swarovski crystals, 20,000 mother of pearl tear drops and 30,000 ‘stones in gold shades.”
I guess that explains why Charlene didn’t make a run for it down the aisle.
Her resemblance to Grace Kelly, kneeling at the altar, is kind of uncanny.
One wonders if they prayed for the same things, given that they both married philandering men.
Later in the evening, there was a grand party, replete with a five tier cake and a display of fireworks that put the ones we had in New York last night to shame.
Charlene wore, again, Giorgio Armani.
Her evening gown was even better than her wedding dress, which I honest to god loved, with its long, long train, and it’s asymmetrical neck line.
With the dress, she wore her new tiara, which the news wires are calling “daring.” Literally there are like 100s of articles on the topic, many of them in reputable publications like People Magazine.
Unlike Kate Middleton, who had to borrow her tiara from my favorite bitch, Queen Elizabeth II, Charlene’s tiara was custom made for her by the German jewelry designer Lorenz Baumer.
Composed of close to 60 karats of diamonds, the crown was supposed to invoke the “spray thrown off a crashing wave,” a motif that made homage to Charlene’s former career as a professional swimmer.
Can you hear the sound of my heart breaking, Charlene?
Charlotte wore something that is so evocative of her grandmother’s dress in To Catch a Thief.
(Can you imagine if you were grandmother were fucking Grace Kelly?)
Her mother, Caroline, fucking rocked a sapphire tiara…and a priest.
And Naomi Campbell wore…I was going to say something nasty about how she looks like a coochie girl from the circus, but I have to admit, I like this dress, and would wear if it I had boobs.
At the end of the evening, after the last dance, Albert II put his princess on a filigreed chain, and shipped her off to their honeymoon in South Africa.
And then they lived happily ever after. The end (of poor Charlene).
