Aww shit, fools, I didn’t even know it was the Met Gala tonight until about five minutes ago. Thank God I had a complete meltdown earlier tonight and Caleb banned me from coming him help sand things at his studio, or else I wouldn’t be here doing this. Now all that’s left in the apartment is me, Franke, Butters the less fat cat now that she’s on diet food, a bottle of seltzer, and unfortunately nothing else, because no one has been keeping track of me for the past two weeks, and I’ve run out of edible — ie snack — food.
I’m just going to go with images as they come. Sorry that there’s no rhyme or reason to this bullshit.
Do you think Anna Wintour’s so tight that she whistles when she pees?
Oh my god, yes, Kimmy K, just as tragic as everyone was hoping for! I can’t see your hand — did your fetus eat it? I can’t say anything except I hope a strap breaks from your feet being too swollen. You are amaze. Wish we could drink some champs. Have fun with your girlz and your baby daddy XOXOXOXOX
Oh no Bey. Oh yes. This dress is awful. And I intensely dislike you! Might I ask — when did your mother start designing for Givenchy? And also, did your stylist die or go blind, or do they just hate you?
I clearly watched Beyonce’s “Life is But A Dream” film this weekend. It’s basically a 90 minute commercial for the Beyonce industry — which currently only includes albums and tours, but no doubt in the future will encompass fashion lines and lifestyle brands. It’s kind of embarrassing for HBO that they got bamboozled into running advertising for free — unless Beyonce did, in fact, pay them to air the “documentary.”
If you’d like to get to know the real Beyonce, you won’t learn anything new from the final cut of the film. The good news is that I was given access to some deleted clips* that provide a little more intel on Queen Bey, which I describe in detail below.
1. In the opening scene, Beyonce says to the camera in regards to her life, “I feel so…fragile,” and immediately follows it with, “I feel so…hungry.” The end part is cut because according to her multi-million dollar deal with Pepsi, she can no longer acknowledge that she feels anything but satiated. Also, she’s been told by her handlers that she can fight childhood obesity if she herself stops eating.
2. Beyonce sits on a white couch, sans make-up, talking to an invisible person sitting behind the camera. A second camera pans out from the scene, and the person turns out to be Beyonce’s illegal Guatemalan housekeeper, who doesn’t speak English but is still a very good listener.
Lying in bed this morning, I decided to read the Daily Mail on my iPhone, so I could get straight to work when I finally gathered the courage to emerge from underneath the comforter. The first news item I read was about the first official portrait of Princess Catherine (aka Kate Middleton), which is now hanging in the National Portrait Gallery in London.
The Daily Mail is outraged, calling the depiction, by the artist Paul Emsley, “rotten.” But I have to say, I think that it is fairly accurate.
Princess Kate, after all of the make-up and hair styling, is a fairly nice looking person. But she is not a beauty for the ages.
I’ve spent a fair part of my life thinking about royal portraits. As a girl, I frequently looked at paintings of princesses to determine whether or not they were beautiful, and if so, whether I was more beautiful.
I’m on the fucking home stretch now. I can see the finish line from here, baby, and it looks like a popsicle I’m going to treat myself with, waiting for me in the freezer.
Now, there were some truly awful dresses last night, a few of them hilariously so. Watch me as I flay them below.
(Can you flay a dress? PROBABLY NOT. Fuck you.)
I’m almost positive that Beyonce wore the worst dress of the evening. I mean, you can literally SEE her ass through the back of it. And talk about highlighting your vagina. When I first saw it, I was like, oh no you didn’t, girl. Oh no you didn’t wear House of Dereon.
But then I realized it was fucking GIVENCHY, and I lost my faith in the entire brand. Forever.
Like, who do you think you are, Beyonce? Cher?