A Brie Grows in Brooklyn

A Beauty Product Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a girl who had a lot of make-up.

She didn’t have the make-up because she bought it, or because she wore it. She had the make-up because an editor mistakenly believed she knew a lot about products, and assigned her to a bunch of beauty stories.

When she did these beauty stories, she received a lot of products to test. Anti-aging creams and nail strengtheners and 24-hour concealer, and lip pencils, and a straightening iron, and a spray-on body make-up kit…oh my.

Her boyfriend said, “You better get rid of this shit, it’s all over the house!”

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A Pageant Princess At Home: BooJoley Champain

You can take anything away from 4-year-old BooJoley Champain (as long as you sedate her), but you better not go near her Amy Winehouse-inspired beehive wig. “I have to say, she really loves that thing,” explained her mother, Crystal, 22, who had just been ferociously bitten on the hand by her daughter. “This isn’t the first bite I’ve ever gotten, let’s just say that.” 

BooJoley, who had been watching us furtively from behind her bright pink princess vanity—which was studded with Swarovski crystals, and cost half of the remaining mortgage on the Champain’s house—suddenly sprang up, and paraded across the white shag carpet to where we were standing.

She was wearing what pageant moms would call “full glitz”—curly blonde hair extensions, acrylic nails, a bedazzled dress (price tag $4000), and flippers, the fake teeth that in BooJoley’s case, were now dripping with blood. “Cleanna blood offa, beeetch!” she said to her mother, in the strange, half-baked English usually spoken by much smaller children. Then she looked at me, broke into a full smile, and blew me a kiss.

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How To Not Lose Weight

The other day, I was reading In Touch, and there was an item about Jessica Simpson being a porker. According to a source, she is “just pushing 140.”

I compared my own weight to hers, and determined that if she was a porker, I was a cow.

It was enough to make me go on my bi-yearly diet. It’s fashion week in New York, after all, and if I realized that if I wanted to be a tabloid-healthy 120 pounds to sit in my apartment and read about it, I had 2 days to shed 15 big ones.

So I went to the grocery store, and picked up what I consider to be healthy foods. Here’s what I bought:

• 1 container of cherry tomatoes
• 1 container of bluberries
• 3 non-fat black cherry yogurts
• 1 package of seasame wasa no-taste crackers 
• 1 container of sliced almonds
• 2 chocolate Odwalla bars
• 1 bar of dark chocolate with sea salt and peanuts
• 24 Diet Cokes

In essence, if I were on Top Chef, and someone asked me to make a meal out of the things I’d bought, I would stick my head in an oven, and end my own life.

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Icon of the Week: Mia Grande from Toddlers and Tiaras

One of the only people I see on a regular basis is Shark Mobczak, and that’s mostly because he just got a gigantic flat screen, Apple TV, and every cable channel ever known to mankind.

Shark Mobczak is a sophisticated guy whose taste in TV shows runs, well, like an obese bored housewife in the midwest. He watches basically every reality show on the air including Cheaters with Joey Greco.

And The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

Those bitches are crazy!

Last night, he introduced me to his new favorite show. It’s called Toddlers and Tiaras and it’s literally the most disturbing thing I’ve ever watched in my entire life. It’s like the Miss Universe Pageant meets a feast day for pedophiles meets the future contestants for I’m a Teenage Mom or whatever that shit is called on MTV, with the fat girl who beats her boyfriend.

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